RECOVERY POEM: The Longer It Goes On

Another insight in to the mind of a recovering anorexic...

This is a poem I wrote three months into treatment, but looking back, I wasn't quite ready to recover. It was the first stage in my recovery where I was needing to JUMP and turn weight loss in to weight gain. 

It sums up the constant debate and confusion that someone choosing to fight anorexia nervosa feels and has to fight on an hourly basis, especially in the contemplation stage. 

It was one of my lowest points and hardest periods in the last 3 years, both mentally and physically and the anorexic voice still consumed me...But I did JUMP from here and it WAS worth it.  I hope some of you are able to relate and JUMP for yourselves too.

Recovery is ..being pulled in every direction mentally...

The Longer It Goes On. 

The longer it goes on,

The harder it gets,

The longer I stall,

The less I forget.

The fuller I feel,

And the less I weigh,

The harder it gets,

To keep her away.

The more I hold on,

And the longer I stall,

The harder it gets,

And harder I’ll fall.

I don’t want to listen,

And I don’t want to care,

But whenever I try,

I still feel her there.

There when I think,

There when I talk,

There on the scales

And there when I walk.

She’s there when I try,

And there when I don’t

There when I eat

And there when I won’t.

I take steps away,

I run, jump and hide,

I block out her voice

But she’s hiding inside.

Waiting to grab me,

Waiting for control,

Stood there judging me,

Waiting for my soul.

I’m speaking my truth

And exposing her rules,

I’m trying to fight

And using the tools.

The tools I have,

And the strength I can find

To get back my body

And retrieve my mind.

 (c) Sarah Louise Robertson Nov 2011