Why I'm a mental health bore

I’m dusting off my keyboard and posting for the first time in ages about mental health, but given it was Time to Talk day this week, it's time to start talking, or typing, again.

The thing is I’ve never stopped.

In the last seven years I’ve spoken more about my own mental health then I have in the almost 34 I’ve been alive. Sadly in those seven years the situation we find ourselves in has got worse and worse. Not a day goes by it seems without a worrying statistic coming out highlighting a rise in suicides, eating disorders, self harm or too-long waits for care. But not a day goes by without me trying to start a conversation about mental health either.  

Loosing my shit with anorexia in 2011 scared me enough to finally get help and speak what was on my mind and it did help. I decided to openly write and share my recovery too. But since then, I've That realised the positive benefits of saying out loud what's going on in my brain, for protecting my own sanity, and for normalising what millions of people worrying about confessing everyday.

Some may call me a 'mental health bore', I do talk about it a lot, I pull people up on things I don’t think are appropriate, I tell people when I think the stigmatising mental health and I definitely share my experience wherever I can. 

It's not easy on the old grey mass though, talking openly about my anxieties and obsessions still feels like a drain on others, it makes me feel that everybody judges me or moans about the fact that I talk about mental health or tell people diets are dangerous or correct people's reporting on mental illness. I really do feel like a bore. But today I’m going to put it out there, I don’t give a fuck.

You know what I do give a fuck about though? It is the number of people have died from mental health issues, either through suicide or the physical impact of their mental illness, since I was first diagnosed with one. In 1992. To help, let's say when it hit crisis in 2011. Around 6000 people a year take their own lives, so 42,000 dead from suicide alone, three quarters of those men. 

Research last year suggested the number of referrals to child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS) in England has gone up by by 26 percent over the past five years. One in 10 children are now thought to have a diagnosable disorder. That's about 3 per class. More and more children are waking up wishing they didn't.  As I write this, I've just heard on the BBC News channel there's a wait even if you're a suicidal kid. More are starving themselves in the search for something better. That's more under 18s self-harming or purging every year. That's what I give a fuck about. In 2017-18 more than a quarter of a million children were refereed to services. They are the lucky ones put on a waiting list or shipped hundreds of miles from home for care. Lucky, huh? 

So, let's take it back a step. How about the number of people have been too scared to ask for help or amount of people that have tried to open up and faced resistance from a society that didn’t want to hear them. Or the number of people that have heard, 'we understand' but then are isolated from friendship groups for being 'the crazy one'. Or those who've been able to open up only to be told there is a six month waiting list to see a shrink. They are the people I will keep talking for.  The NHS can't do everything, the Government can't just throw money at services overnight, so in the mean time let's keep talking.

It's not all bad though, in the past seven years I have had so many positive conversations. Come across people who've never opened up about their past, or current, battles with anorexia, met people just like me who've been suffering with panic attacks since childhood. I've found out people's sisters, daughters, sons and mothers are battling right now. I have also laughed about some of the obsessive habits I still have.

In mental health training at work I spoke up (even though I was terrified) to share my experience to help colleagues understand. I met my OH and on the first date 'confessed' my mental illness(es) and continued to talk to him about them, and he still loves me. I've supported my best friend, who helped save my life, through her own battle with depression and recruited her to the 'bore club' too.  I've opened up to the amazing women at my yoga studio, my reflexologist and the gorgeous Emma, who 'sugars' my bikini line. while she was sugaring. And they're in too. 

I don't know for sure how many people are alive today because someone asked them more than once if they were 'really' okay. We don't keep statistics on the children who've realised they're not alone feeling worthless and asked for help. I am unsure of the percentage of people now getting help because me or other mental health bores have campaigned in the past, but that doesn't really matter.

I will keep being open, disclosing my mental health issues to anyone who'll listen, talking about recovery and relapse and I will keep being a mental health bore. Please join me, people's lives depend on it. 

GET HELP HERE:

Beat - Eating Disorders

Mind

C.A.L.M 

Samaritans 
Younger Minds 

MHAW '14 | "But no one likes being sick..."

...that's very true, it's not pleasant for anyone to get a stomach bug or feel a 'little dodgy' after a night of indulgence. Although, I'm not just talking about disliking throwing up here.

Emetophobia is an extreme fear of vomit, an anxiety disorder which is thought to affect around 3.5 million people in the UK alone. That's five percent of the population, most of which are women. I am one of them. 

It's a chronic, often life-long, disorder which can hugely impact sufferer's lives. It can dictate what they can eat, who they see, whether they leave the house, travel or even have children. According to OCD-UK it's the sixth most common phobia, despite this studies have found that almost a third of GPs have never heard it and it's highly undiagnosed. 

I've suffered with emetophobia since I was seven years old. It hugely affected my childhood, terrorised my teens and still impacts on my life as an adult. 

There have been times I would have rather died than thrown up. 

Studies have shown most sufferers develop the phobia as a child often after a trauma, with nine being the average age of on-set. However, I didn't know it even had a name until my teens. So trust me when I say I felt alone with the extreme panic attacks and obsessive, intrusive thoughts the disorder caused.

A page from my teenage journal

The way it can affect sufferer's lives varies massively. Some won't leave the house if sickness bugs are going round (Norovirus is the worst!), panic if someone says they feel sick and be unable to care for ill loved ones. It stops people taking medicines with a 'nausea' side effect. Emetophobia often puts some women off having children, because of sickness during pregnancy then the thought of caring for an ill child. Trust me, some of these also come with huge amount of guilt.

The extreme measures someone with emetophobia takes to avoid vomit are closely linked with other mental health disorders, such as OCD and eating disorders. Both of which I've been diagnosed (and incorrectly diagnosed) with in the past. This is usually down to the level of control sufferers seek over everything around them to avoid vomit. 

This can range massively between individuals, but almost all will have compulsive behaviours such as hand washing and avoidance of touching surfaces, checking use-by-dates, needing to be near toilets...and so on. Most sufferers could probably reel-off the times and dates of when they were last sick and what they ate prior to it. I certainly can. 

In terms of food, it can lead to a highly restrictive diet of 'trusted' or simple foods which is where ties with eating disorders come in. For some it means eating food cooked by friends or family or in restaurants a no-go area. In my case I have rules about the colours of foods I can eat and need to see how it's prepared. I also still struggle to eat the meals I directly associate with being ill in the past and street food is strictly off-limits. You can see how this gets tied up with anorexia, right? 

It can be treated, usually with cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness work,  in similar ways someone with OCD would. I'm still working on the lingering intrusive thoughts emetophobia brings at the same time as my recovery from anorexia nervosa. 

But, we need to talk about Emetophobia more often. Doctors need to understand how it differs from other disorders and like any other anxiety disorder through challenging it, sufferers can lead normal lives. 

So, If you really think about the spiralling impact of emetophobia and how it complicates life for sufferers, you can see why it's more than just not liking throwing up. 

***

DID YOU KNOW....?

I've talked about my personal experience of Emetophobia before. See it here

I've written about it on my recovery blog HERE

Another emetophobe, Jessica shared her experiences with Time to Change HERE

You can get more Emetophobia Help and Info HERE

There's an National Emetophobia Awareness Day (March 4th) each year. 

There is an International Emetophobia Society support forum 

Anxiety UK explain it here...

There are people tweeting about Emetophobia: 

+ThriveProgramme +Emetophobia Recovery @emetophobia 

MHAW '14 | The worst cure for anxiety, ever.

I’ve said it a hundred times, and I’ll probably say it a thousand more but not everyone who suffers with anorexia spent their formative years idolising super models in Vogue, counting calories in their packed lunch or weighing themselves and their Barbie in the bathroom.

Actually, I spent my childhood an anxious mess in the bathroom worrying about messing things up and counting ways not to get ill. And here lie the seeds of my eating disorder, rooted firmly in anxiety.

A study in 2004 found two thirds of people with an eating disorder also suffer with one or more lifelong anxiety disorder. In that group, around 42 percent developed their issues with anxiety, whether that be generalised, social, a phobia or OCD, in childhood, way before their eating disorder kicked in.

My life was hit by an anxiety disorder at the age of seven.

I developed emetophobia, a fear of vomit and illness after a traumatic incident at a local theatre. Living with this specific anxiety disorder resulted in a childhood splattered with panic attacks and obsessive rules. But I learnt how to get by. It was horrible to grow up feeling different to my friends, being a worrier, not really getting excited about things, instead dread them going wrong or being ruined by illness. I would go out of my way to avoid being sick. 

My head was always full of my little coping tactics or I’d be busy searching for new ways to stop the anxiety.

I just needed a focus. I needed to take the anxiety away for good. And while I am at it, I’d like to feel good enough, I want to fix my body as well as my mind, I want to feel in control of my life. And for me, that’s where anorexia nervosa started to creep in. (I will try to keep this simple, but there are other reasons behind my eating disorder.)

For a while, it felt like I had found a simple, one-track coping mechanism.

I could control food, which kept me safe from sickness. I could focus on calories, which stopped me focusing on being sick. I could control my weight, because I couldn’t control the panic attacks. I could measure my worth in kilos, because measuring it against my friends was making me feel crap.

This miracle cure for anxiety was anorexia. Finally, I’d solved it. I was fixed. Wrong.

There is a big fault here. I was like an addict; I got more obsessed with this new found control, hooked on the way it made me feel. It became my life; I never wanted to feel anxiety again. But to keep up the hits had to get strong and for longer. I’d have to run further, eat less and see lower numbers on the scale to hit that euphoria. It seems I'm not alone, as studies into anorexia playing this role have shown. 

Another fault in this 'fix' for anxiety is that anorexia is a serious mental illness. It brings its own anxieties and obsessions along for the ride, which get tangled with the underlying anxiety it was ‘meant’ to be solving.

I didn’t develop anorexia because I'd always been obsessed with being thin. One of the biggest reasons I, and many others, end up with an eating disorder is because we became obsessed with the distraction it gives us. The distraction from the anxiety which fills our minds, it gives us the order and structure we crave. Until, that is, it winds up being even more chaotic than the problems that came before it. 

This is just one reason we need to be ANXIETY AWARE. We need to alert people to the faulty ways of taking anxieties away, before they get tangled too. 

What's your experience with existential anxiety and an eating disorder? Please share.

Helpful Links: 

Emetophobia Help 

Anxiety UK

Anxiety in Children - Guide for Parents from Young Minds 

Beat - Eating Disorders 

Just do what Demi does

There aren't many celebrities who I'd label as truly 'inspirational' role models for girls these days, but I do feel one particular lady out there deserves the title.

In an ever-expanding galaxy of stars popping up on our TVs, her honesty and openness stands out. She has inspired millions of young women across the world to do the hardest thing possible. Be themselves.

Demi says thanks her fans for her strength in recovery.

Demi Lovato's gained the respect of young people who are battling bullies, their bodies and fighting eating disorders, by speaking out about her own struggles.

The 20-year old's also stood up to former Disney bosses in the past, tweeting her complaints when shows on the network made jokes about eating disorders.

But what she's continued to do since leaving rehab is be honest. With herself and her fans.

It's estimated that eating disorders affect 70 million people worldwide, with some research in America showing that 81 per cent of 10 year-olds are afraid of being fat.

When a former Disney starlet turned X Factor USA judge speaks out, it's quite often heard.

I believe in Demi baring all to a harsh world of gossip magazines and media attention, it opens up the possibility that young girls who feel trapped  in eating disorders or spirals of self-harm can speak out too.

And that's what Lovato's urged her fans to do. Get help.

Just this week she's admitted again that her millions of fans keep her recovery on track and hold her accountable, if she ever feels the pull back to eating disordered habits.

In an interview she did with a good friend of mine, Simon Morykin* this week she offered this advice...

"You have to accept yourself for who you are..."

Lovato is part of the Love is Louder movement.

And for what it's worth, my advice?

You don't have to be a celebrity with millions of followers to be strong, supported and accountable.

Believe that YOU can do what Demi does, you can speak up, get help and beat the battles with yourself too.

Get help now....

Team Recovery is an organisation I co-founded to promote recovery and provide support to people across the world suffering with eating disorders, self harm, anxiety and depression. 

You can join the Recovery Ninja's too, follow us Twitter @_teamrecovery or on Facebook.

BEAT is the UK's biggest eating disorders charity and their website has advice for sufferers, carers and friends of people struggling. They're also on Twitter @BeatED or call 0845 634 1414

Demi is part of the Love is Louder movement, which encourages young people to fight back at negative internal and external voices. You can find out more HERE

*Thank you to Simon Morykin and Total Access for asking Demi such an important question on my behalf for Team Recovery. Follow him on @SimonMorykin for the BEST celeb interviews and music. 

Mental Health Awareness Week 2013 - 'Look after that mind of yours, okay?'

Talking about mental health, doesn’t always need to be talking about serious mental illness.

It’s about asking a friend if they’re okay, it’s about supporting a sister who’s stressed out and it’s about looking out for that colleague who seems super-anxious this week.

It's about starting those conversations. 

One thing my journey though life with splatterings of mental health issues has taught me is that talking about feelings and looking out for each other could save us from slipping under.

Think back to your own experiences, there were probably times you wanted to tell your boss that one more paper placed on your desk was too much and your best friend, that your boyfriend cheating on you was not actually something ‘you could deal with.’

I think everyone would benefit from being open about those days when you feel so shit, that you don’t actually want to get out of bed or so anxious that we avoid going for a new job or promotion.

We need to be better at admitting we’re NOT okay. Mentally.

Not in a melodramatic, ‘woe is me’ way, blowing every emotion out of proportion way or in a quick and speedy diagnosis of a mental illness that isn’t there, but in an honest way which opens us up to new suggestions, help and advice that could help solve the issue.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I managed to hold my ever-expanding negative thoughts together for so long, how I managed to keep anorexia at bay for so many years or how I faced the fear, and bloody well did it anyway, maybe I’ll never know. 

BUT I can't help but think that if I’d been MORE honest about the reality of my thoughts, then maybe I’d not have gotten as ill as I did.  My reality is that I am fighting a mental illness, but I’m learning what my 'anorexic worries' are, and which are just, well, human.

It’s being aware and open about these human worries that I think could benefit everyone. Selfishly, it helps me ‘check in’ with friends which thoughts are ‘normal’ and which are illogical, silly Sarah or ‘Ana’ thoughts. It helps to know what I’m fighting.

The more I’ve spoken to friends, family and the twittersphere about mental health, the more I have come to terms with just how many of us think the same negative thoughts or have the same worries. I joke with some of my friends about diagnosing them with mental illnesses and that it’s just that I’m ‘certified crazy’ and they’re on the loose.

But Un-PC jokes aside, not only do I hope talking about my own worries and issues helps people in the same eating disordered boat as me, but also helps people without mental illnesses become more aware of the importance of looking after their own mental health.

I really do believe there is something positive in a conversation that includes the words; “It’s okay, I understand, feel the same sometimes too….”

It might just help us find positive and constructive ways to face this funny old world of ours?

How aware are you?

Did you know?  1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental health related illness at some point in their lives.

Tomorrow (Monday 10th October 2011)  is World Mental Health Day and the start of OCD Awareness Week. An important week to raise awareness of mental health issues globally and hopefully reduce the stigma surrounding mental health. 

This year the theme is "Investing in mental health".  The World Health Organisation states that; "Financial and human resources allocated for mental health are inadequate especially in low resource countries. The majority of low- and middle-income countries spend less than 2% of their health budget on mental health.

FACT: Many countries have less than one mental health specialist per one million population. Even a considerable part of the limited resources is spent on large mental hospitals and not for services delivered through community and primary health care.

I have suffered with mental health problems since the age of 8, along with friends and family who have battled (and still battle) with OCD, depression, eating disorders and anxiety. They are some of the strongest people I know.

It is definitely something I feel strongly about and it is time that people try and understand the battle people suffering with any mental illness go through on a daily basis. Remember, just because you can't SEE someone hurting, doesn't mean they are not hurting.

For more information or support visit OCD-UK or join the Facebook group 

For more information and fact sheets on mental health visit the website or join the Facebook group