Why I'm a mental health bore

I’m dusting off my keyboard and posting for the first time in ages about mental health, but given it was Time to Talk day this week, it's time to start talking, or typing, again.

The thing is I’ve never stopped.

In the last seven years I’ve spoken more about my own mental health then I have in the almost 34 I’ve been alive. Sadly in those seven years the situation we find ourselves in has got worse and worse. Not a day goes by it seems without a worrying statistic coming out highlighting a rise in suicides, eating disorders, self harm or too-long waits for care. But not a day goes by without me trying to start a conversation about mental health either.  

Loosing my shit with anorexia in 2011 scared me enough to finally get help and speak what was on my mind and it did help. I decided to openly write and share my recovery too. But since then, I've That realised the positive benefits of saying out loud what's going on in my brain, for protecting my own sanity, and for normalising what millions of people worrying about confessing everyday.

Some may call me a 'mental health bore', I do talk about it a lot, I pull people up on things I don’t think are appropriate, I tell people when I think the stigmatising mental health and I definitely share my experience wherever I can. 

It's not easy on the old grey mass though, talking openly about my anxieties and obsessions still feels like a drain on others, it makes me feel that everybody judges me or moans about the fact that I talk about mental health or tell people diets are dangerous or correct people's reporting on mental illness. I really do feel like a bore. But today I’m going to put it out there, I don’t give a fuck.

You know what I do give a fuck about though? It is the number of people have died from mental health issues, either through suicide or the physical impact of their mental illness, since I was first diagnosed with one. In 1992. To help, let's say when it hit crisis in 2011. Around 6000 people a year take their own lives, so 42,000 dead from suicide alone, three quarters of those men. 

Research last year suggested the number of referrals to child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS) in England has gone up by by 26 percent over the past five years. One in 10 children are now thought to have a diagnosable disorder. That's about 3 per class. More and more children are waking up wishing they didn't.  As I write this, I've just heard on the BBC News channel there's a wait even if you're a suicidal kid. More are starving themselves in the search for something better. That's more under 18s self-harming or purging every year. That's what I give a fuck about. In 2017-18 more than a quarter of a million children were refereed to services. They are the lucky ones put on a waiting list or shipped hundreds of miles from home for care. Lucky, huh? 

So, let's take it back a step. How about the number of people have been too scared to ask for help or amount of people that have tried to open up and faced resistance from a society that didn’t want to hear them. Or the number of people that have heard, 'we understand' but then are isolated from friendship groups for being 'the crazy one'. Or those who've been able to open up only to be told there is a six month waiting list to see a shrink. They are the people I will keep talking for.  The NHS can't do everything, the Government can't just throw money at services overnight, so in the mean time let's keep talking.

It's not all bad though, in the past seven years I have had so many positive conversations. Come across people who've never opened up about their past, or current, battles with anorexia, met people just like me who've been suffering with panic attacks since childhood. I've found out people's sisters, daughters, sons and mothers are battling right now. I have also laughed about some of the obsessive habits I still have.

In mental health training at work I spoke up (even though I was terrified) to share my experience to help colleagues understand. I met my OH and on the first date 'confessed' my mental illness(es) and continued to talk to him about them, and he still loves me. I've supported my best friend, who helped save my life, through her own battle with depression and recruited her to the 'bore club' too.  I've opened up to the amazing women at my yoga studio, my reflexologist and the gorgeous Emma, who 'sugars' my bikini line. while she was sugaring. And they're in too. 

I don't know for sure how many people are alive today because someone asked them more than once if they were 'really' okay. We don't keep statistics on the children who've realised they're not alone feeling worthless and asked for help. I am unsure of the percentage of people now getting help because me or other mental health bores have campaigned in the past, but that doesn't really matter.

I will keep being open, disclosing my mental health issues to anyone who'll listen, talking about recovery and relapse and I will keep being a mental health bore. Please join me, people's lives depend on it. 

GET HELP HERE:

Beat - Eating Disorders

Mind

C.A.L.M 

Samaritans 
Younger Minds 

If Britain needs to go on a diet, do I?

Oh calories, diets, Public Health campaigns, obesity epidemic headlines, it's all over the news AGAIN and I'd be lying if I said I was okay with that. I'm not okay with the bombardment of yet more 'should and should not' rules of eating. It's a constant threat to my recovery. 

I'm finding the more 'physically recovered' I am from anorexia, the more these campaigns bother me. They stick in my brain and make eating more complicated, they blur the lines between 'recovered me' and 'anorexic me'. 

It feels like it applies to me. Today it's made me feel guilty about having a breakfast that tops 400 calories, because PHE's top doctor says "The agency is also launching a campaign encouraging adults to consume 400 calories at breakfast and 600 each at lunch and dinner."

I know in reality that my lunch and dinner are never close to 600 calories each, but if I could logically believe that and ignore the message, I would. I really bloody would. But if that were easy, the last decade of my life wouldn't have been f*cked up by anorexia. 

When people think eating disorders feed on skinny models, airbrushing or vanity they forget that for some people anorexia is more likely to feed on campaigns like this. It's also like other eating disorders don't exist when we talk about this. We seems to forget that some of our overweight population will probably be suffering silently with eating disorders too...I'd put money on it.

I want to scream it’s not it’s the fact that these campaigns exists, because I realise they are needed to tackle an obvious obesity crisis, but they exist in a society where eating disorders are also a problem.They are also costing the NHS and lives. A study by BEAT in 2015 found treating eating disorders DIRECTLY costs the NHS between £3.9 billion and £ 4.6 billion a year, and, potentially, up to £1.1 billion of private treatment costs too. Combine that with lost income and all the bits like carers eating disorder rack up a bill to the UK economy of between £6.8 billion and £8 billion A YEAR. Meanwhile, this much discussed obesity epidemic costs us £6 billion. Yep. 

On an another personal note, I’ve woken up this morning having the messages about the need for this 20 percet reduction in the calories of food by 2024. A call for 13 food groups to be targeted to make cuts, more calories warnings, more signs in takeaways and PHE saying, 'it would be prepared to ask the government to legislate.' if supermarkets and alike didn't buck up. So, today I’m going to call them out, embrace this - because doing all that will help make my life a little easier. 

Do you know why? Because when I go into a supermarket or restaurant and they've dropped the calories in their foods, maybe, just maybe I'll allow myself to eat it. To buy a bread roll, a dip or a savory snack. Safe in the knowledge that my eating disorder is a little less worried about it. 

Why? Because every day I wake up worried that I am greedy, fat, eating too much and 'one of the people that needs to listen'. So if you’re telling me to reduce my breakfast for my health, it gives me a legitimate reason. Officially, I’m not considered to be anorexic anymore, so in my mind it’s obviously not that driving the urge to reduce? It’s because I’m following guidance I don’t want to be overweight or greedy do it? 

I know this sounds like I’m taking the piss a little, but I’m not. I honestly believe these campaigns are affecting me more than more time goes on. The thing is, like for thousands of other people, the rules I have around food do affect my life and possibly always will. Then campaigns like this just make it feel like I have to be more restrictive with my diet. 

There is a very obvious obesity epidemic, but the thing that gets me is that over and over again we print calories on more menus, talk about reducing sugar over and over, about moving more and eating less - but I've said it before, and I'll say it again, "your healthy eating campaigns are wasted on me." 

It makes me question if they have even thought about who it is listening to these messages the most? My money is on people like me, ironically, the people that avoid those 13 food groups anyway.  But maybe I should embrace it. Look forward to the day when sugar and fat and calorie content is reduced? It means that my anorexic brain will let me eat junk. Or maybe I’ll still avoid it anyway? 

NEED HELP? If you're are worried you or someone you know if suffering with an eating disorder, be it anorexia, bulimia, OSFED, binge eating, emotional overeating or orthorexia, you can find info and support online at BEAT's website - HERE 

#EDAW2018 Namaste and me

Firstly, picture the scene if you can, me, late 2012, very anorexic, very anxious, my brain going to thousand miles an hour and generally a bit scatty, not really caring, and sitting in the therapy clinic with a very chilled out therapist who says ‘right Sarah, we’ve tried CBT, let’s give active mindfulness a go...” that was one of the first sessions I had with Dr B. I remember thinking at the time ‘what the hell are you going to make me do, weirdo....’ People had spoken about mindfulness but I’m much more of an ‘action person’. I just don’t do meditation.

I suppose I got my back up about mindfulness from the off. I tried to do it, tried to meditate. I tried to embrace it and to do the whole ‘let it happen and let it go’ listen to his voice and remain present, but it just wasn’t working for me. 

So yoga then? Is it about my mind or body? Well, both. For some context, I’ve tried yoga over the years, a few sessions here and there, but generally at a leisure centre and focused around fitness weight loss and middle-aged women in lycra. None of which were helpful to me and my mental health. I’d always wanted to rock up and be the bendiest; thinnest and best. But wasn’t, obviously. 

Now, after years putting it off because my own issues with body and making excuses, last year I walked in to Sky Blue Yoga studio at the Northfield Centre in Stafford. I took a big gulp and thought ‘I can do this, I know how to breathe, I know how to stretch...’ I told myself I’m just going to have to see how it goes. And the rest is already history.

I'm now practicing almost daily, mixing a hot vinyasa flow class, with Yin - is a slower practice where you hold your asana for longer, and Yoga Nidra - which is also called 'yogic sleep'. I’m pretty sure if Dr B saw me doing yoga Nidra on a Sunday, he drop down dead in front of me out of shock of seeing me setting aside an hour for meditation.

Nidra is purely the practice of focused breathing, body scanning, switching the sides of the brain used and listening. I love it. I also practice dhama yoga wheel, which really stretches me and is all about balance and coordination and core. Nell, my teacher who’s own learning of yoga theory inspires me to read more and guided savasana is more helpful than any meditation I had in hospital, (as is Kelly's - seriously, these ladies need snapping up by the NHS!)

But all in all I’m loving it. I’m not just turning up and working out. I am taking this with me outside the studio. Learning more about yoga, being a yogi and the theory behind it. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to following a religion! 

Take Sankelpa - the setting of an intention or dedication for yoga practice - it is much like the ‘rewiring’ challenges in the active mindfulness therapy I had. It’s like a metaphor to translate yoga off your mat and into real life. This to me is what makes yoga a lifestyle, rather than something I’m doing just for exercise. My intentions have ranged from ‘Believe am enough’, to ‘focus on breath not body’ and so on.

For some reason yoga and it’s theory clicks with me more than reading books about meditation or trying to practice pure mindfulness. I’m doing it with out thinking. Those days when I have yoga after work it’s like a reset button, it’s teaching me to be more present. I’m slowly learning through yoga to act without ego. With that I mean not to be doing what I think I should be doing, but just what my body is craving. Regular practice is teaching me that taking a moment breathing and just focusing on purely that can put everything else aside and seem less pressing.

I believe finding Nidra or gentle yoga class earlier in recovery would have helped me massively. It’s got the potential to be a really positive things for someone fighting anorexia, after all it is about connecting with your body. Creating new prana. You need to know where your body is, what it can do, when it feels sore and when you need to back off. The more I read, the more I am understanding about yogi lifestyle, the more I accept, and let go. 

According to yoga tradition, there’s a part of us we can’t see. It’s where our energy flows, There are seven key parts, the chakras. Ancient yogis taught that when energy becomes blocked in a chakra, it triggers physical, mental, or emotional imbalances that lead to things like anxiety. 

Never before did I think that focusing on certain part of my body, be at the root or the solar plexus, recalling chakras, could make a difference to my wellbeing. But trust me, it does. I’ve felt really connections to asanas, the poses, which are believed to balance places linked to body or anxiety, I’ve almost cried when practicing pranayama with mantras about self esteem or grounding. I always walk out, standing a little taller. A little more balanced. The release in tadasana, just standing strong in mountain pose, alive Is simple but powerful. It’s just standing up. But it’s not!

Not only that I have met some inspiring people at the studio too. Those who share the same ethos as me, they are not people with multiple disorders, those in and out of therapy or people that simply do yoga for the way it looks to others. They believe in the practice and that’s inspiring. Some of the people at the studio live yogi lifestyles. 

It’s often said when one door closes another opens, and it seems to me that as therapy closed, both at the eating disorders unit and private counselling stopped benefiting me, the door to the Yoga studio opened.

Having done CBT and mindfulness, and all the bits in between, during recovery and before, I can honestly say yoga is more than enough in terms of therapeutic time than I need. Plus a glass of gin and a massage now and again, it’s changing my life, one savasana at a time!

I've also been speaking to Kelly, one of my fabulous teachers at the studio, about how we could work together to help more people with EDs try yoga. I think that people with anorexia especially, could really benefit from practicing Nidra. I’m hoping that one of the positive changes I can make this eating disorders awareness week is to set the ball rolling in implementing this onto the ward at my old hospital. I know If I had been told I was practising yoga in hospital it make me feel better, and maybe, just maybe I’d have been a little more accepting of those mindfulness sessions with Dr B if yoga had taught me to just breathe...? 

Namaste 

Don't forget that if you are suffering from an eating disorder - YOU NEED TO SEEK HELP and speak up about it. Don't wait, there are services out there for you: Check out https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services

#EDAW2018 Why I waited...

Why wait? That's the theme of this year's Eating Disorders Awareness Week. New research by Beat found that on average, people with eating disorder symptoms wait 149 weeks before they seek help. That’s almost three years, 37 months or 1,043 days. Well,

I am not sure if this is acute symptoms, you know, the weight loss, restrictive diet, loss of periods..etc...or the wait between first feeling like absolutely shit about yourself, not good enough, hating your body, cutting out bits of food and exercising a little out of guilt? Because if it is the latter things, I reckon my wait was about 1015 weeks, or 7109 days - that's 19 years, 5 months, 17 days.

So why did I wait THAT long? Okay for the first 8 or so years, I admit, I was getting help. But for anxiety and phobias, all to do with food, but never for anorexia. So, obviously, I didn't have an eating disorder*  (*allegedly!) 

Later on, and definitely from about 2009, like it or not, I honestly believed anorexia served me, that it made sense, that it was helping me deal with life around me. It was making me feel pretty damn good at the time. I waited because, firstly, I didn't think I had an eating disorder and then because of that feel-good feeling it was giving me. I was high on it I waited because I didn't want someone to take that feeling away. Why would I?

Of course, everyone who suffers with an eating disorder will have a different experience and varying reasons why an eating disorder developed in the first place and a whole host of different barriers for waiting to speak up. Some from inside, others because of the world around us.

For me, maybe it's also because no one else ever really mentioned a specific eating disorder as something I was suffering from. After all,  62% of adults are twice as likely to list weight loss or being thin as a sign of an eating disorder over any other. so if I wasn't underweight, who was going to mention anorexia, of all things?

I felt like a fraud for even being signed off work for stress and anxiety, let alone because I was suffering with some sort of 'eating disorder'. So, I wasn't going to be the one who brought up my low calorie intake, my now obsessive exercise regime or the hours I spent on Pro-Anorexia forums, or the nights I spent body checking and weighing myself. I waited because I was doing 'just fine' in my eyes. 

The way that an eating disorder feels likes it serves a purpose to the sufferer means it's unlikely to be us that speaks up first. The fake sense of friendship and security my 'lifestyle' gave me was the reason I waited. Honestly, I didn't want it taking away. So, I didn't believe it was anorexia back then, even though I knew the symptoms, and was logging on to forums where 'ana' and 'mia' were spoken about.

To stop this delay between first psychological, and sometimes physical symptoms, of an eating disorder and someone getting help, it has to be then, down to more awareness. More people need to know the signs and how to talk to the person showing them.

I reckon I would have kept waiting to speak up if it wasn't for a close friend calling me out. Saying the word 'anorexia' for the first time. Then, family helped stop the plates spinning and I move home. At this point, whether I believed it was anorexia or not, I was finally sick of waiting. Sort of. Because once I'd decided this, I had the wait for assessment, the wait for diagnosis, then for the effects of treatment to kick in and the wait for acceptance that I actually had anorexia.

A lot of waiting, right?

Moral of the story is simply that waiting until crisis or just waiting longer than we should reduces the chance of beating an eating disorder. It is waiting that benefits no one but the eating disorder.

For me personally, I am thankful I had people around me that DID know the signs and symptoms and spoke to me because at that time I would have waited so long, that I would possibly been dead. Looking back I wish that I had spoken up sooner about what was going on, wish that I hadn't waiting to break up with 'ana' and get help....don't let you or someone you know make the same mistake as me. 

#WhyWait #EDAW2018 

- How to tell if someone has an Eating Disorder CLICK HERE

- Get help: Beat Adult Helpline: 0808 801 0677 Beat Youthline: 0808 801 0711

Counting Compulsions: Fitness apps and anorexia

Fitness Apps, they're everywhere nowadays aren't they? If people aren't checking their wrists for their Fitbits steps, they're logging calories on their phones, even competing with others for weight loss victory. However, when the person glued to the smartphone is someone with an eating disorder, these 'motivational' apps can become less helpful, more harmful. 

An exclusive story by BBC Hereford and Worcester journalist Felicity Sanderson highlighted the issue in a report in the West Midlands today. An issue I have experience of personally and one which, in 2016 with apps-galore, I think needs talking about more.

Her report states "health professionals in Worcestershire say around half their clients have been using the apps as a tool to punish their bodies." and it's making the sufferers eating disorders harder to beat.

A young woman called "Sophie" shared her story, of becoming 'addicted' to the apps from the age of 14. Now 18, and in recovery she wants to let others know just how addictive they can be. I for one share her experience, and know we're not alone.

In the depths of my own battle with anorexia, I logged every single calorie eaten or burnt and tracked my weight obsessively. But even more dangerous I connected with other eating disorded users too. 

People on diets may motivate each other towards health, but for people suffering with a mental illness like anoreixa, it's pushing each other towards death. 

After what was probably more than a year hooked to my phone at any chance I could, I confided in a friend as I entered recovery. She had to delete the app and lock me out of my account. It was the only way I could stop logging every single calorie. 

The issue for me now is the fact they're everywhere. Someone with anorexia (and let's face it - those numbers are growing day-by-day) can go unchecked using them. It also perpetuates the myth that they are 'fine' and just 'doing what everyone else is'. But it couldn't be more different. 

Remember here girls and boys, apps alone don't CAUSE anorexia, but they don't help promote a healthy recovery either.

Sufferers using them is something which needs talking and not just talking about, but tackling too. No where more so than on eating disorders wards. Even my own team were uneducated and shocked to see the prevalence of proana sites, communities on the likes of Instagram and Twitter. In just one or two clicks sufferers can spiral into a world which will only ever compound the illness. But there is also hundreds - if not thousands - of men and women with anorexia using these apps to normalise their illnesses, to strengthen them. 

No, we can't shelter sufferers from a world of fitness crazes, diets and calorie counting at our fingertips, but we can wise up to just how many people with anorexia are hooked on them.

I believe it's up to eating disorders services to screen for usage, and to check if their inpatients are using them on wards or outpatients are logging the calories they burnt walking to the hospital.

I know I did. 

To read more about this head over to BBC Online

You can watch the BBC Midlands Today report HERE

You can follow Felicity on Twitter @flissanderson 

For help and advice on eating disorders please contact the UK Charity BEAT 

From thigh gaps to gym shots

How fine is the line between thigh gap worship and praying for your first ‘proud’ glute shot?

It’s also becoming harder to see the wood from the trees with tiny, so-called ‘clean eating’ pictures and the images of meals someone with anorexia is trying to pass as a plate-full of food porn.

This is why I have an issue with the ever growing amount of ‘fitspro’ out there. Of course, I am coming at this after having had anorexia and battled with over-exercise – but also as someone who’s coached elite gymnastics and really does understand the difference between an eating disorder, diet, training (over training), fuelling our bodies and being healthy. Spot the difference here? 

I understand there is a difference here between people getting fit, being elite athletes or eating healthier to lose weight and those recovering from an eating disorder. Not everyone who exercises religiously does so obsessively and not everyone who eats a restricted diet has an eating disorder. But some do.

For the latter, it’s even more dangerous. It’s switching one obsession and body and food-centred lifestyle for another. I’m also talking as someone who’s at risk of falling into that trap. Also, let’s be clear here, I’m not talking about running to clear your mind or going to yoga classes to ease an aching body (and mind) or choosing to eat healthy foods. All very sensible right?

I’m talking about the blurred bit on social media – because haven’t we tried to ban another group of people continually posting semi-naked pictures of themselves online? Recently I wrote something on Instagram stating that it's just ass dangerous – and the founders of the #GirlGains hashtag tell me it’s meant to “be something where like-minded girls can encourage each other to be the best version of themselves personally, professionally or in the gym.” I understand, fully and trust they know their own limits - but...

Sounds great, but to that I would say the pursuit of being the best that I can be almost killed me with exercise and food. I was with like-minding girls on a pro anorexia forum too. I was also with ‘like-minded’ people on a mainstream dieting community getting motivation for weight loss.  Putting that message across through the same strict and defining rules is putting as much pressure on men and women to always have to better themselves and not be content with what they have.

I feel it’s even MORE dangerous because it’s accepted by society. Where people squirm at images of frail, thinspo and thigh gaps are seen as disgusting – the super-toned-healthy-dedicated ‘athletes’ are accepted? Happy, free looking girls prancing around a beach in a bikini or toned women posing in gym bathrooms, looking for 'Likes' or RTs - looking for acceptance from others for their bodies. For each of them, how many are weeping into their black coffee on the way home from a workout? 

It’s like the pressure and obsession is masked, for many, by a drive health and fitness. Personally, my own eating disorder and drive came from the fitspro camp long before the thinspro one – I just slipped and anorexia consumed the last remaining bit of me doing it for ‘health.’

Back to the point, let’s be realistic here, how many people will search for motivation for themselves on Pinterest, Instgram and Twitter and see #Fitspro images with phrases such as “No Squat. No Butt” or “Dear Fat – get the F*ck out my body” or the now infamous Kate Moss quote changed to “Nothing tastes as good as feeling fit feels.” And so on.  The same way someone with anorexia might idolise someone who’s thinner than them or more ‘dedicated’ to their disorder, I can't help but see the link here?

How many people see these images and then feel frustrated, upset and sometimes ANGER against their bodies? Jealous that they haven’t got a set of glutes like one girl and the defined abdominals of another and go to the gym out of guilt? 

Don’t get me stated on the same underwear mirror shots of women (and men) calling themselves #AntiLazy or micro-analysing their bodies. To me this is a mirror image of the same mirror posing rituals I went through at the height of my eating disorder, and long before.

In terms of diet and food rules, I struggle to fathom how obsessively counting calories is any different to refusing to eat meals that aren't ‘perfectly’ balance or counting macro nutrients? Or getting obsessed over the amount of protein, fat or carbs you eat, or when you eat them. Setting rules about pre and post work outs, making endless jars of prote-oats or brownies, or pancakes. 

How is only allowing yourself lean meat and spinach for five days and then binging on carbs and sugar on a rest day any difference to binge eating behaviour?  One of the diagnostic factors for anorexia is assessing the amount of time thoughts about food and body consume. You’re telling me all that planning and counting doesn't take up too much time. Let us not forget there is orthorexia too.

As I am coming from an eating disordered point here, I'll end with that. There seems to be an ever-increasing number of people recovering from eating disorders holding on to food rules and body obsession replacing thinspo with fitspo. On the surface it doesn't look like recovering to be the best they can be, but instead looking for the next 'fix' for the perceived wrong bits of their bodies. Is giving Barbie a butt just changing what we think we should be?

Being recognised at Beat's birthday awards

Twenty five years of fighting back at eating disorders and educating people about the impact they have deserves a year of celebration, right? Well, that's exactly what Beat is doing throughout '14.

The charity has launched a five-point 25th Anniversary Manifesto. Five little promises it's making to help improve life for those affected by eating disorders. Five points which they (and I) hope prevent people suffering in the first place. Five areas in which other people can pledge to join the fight on too. Those little promises are things I'm proud to say I've already actively been pushing for since becoming a Media Volunteer for Beat during my own recovery, which leads me nicely on to the Beat Awards. 

I was honoured to find out I had been nominated and then short-listed for a Beat Volunteer Recognition Award for the campaigning I do on those very pledges. Seriously, honoured. 

An invitation landed in my inbox to a special event at the House of Commons on the 4th June during National Volunteers Week and I found out about the inspiring folk I was up against in the 'Public Awards' Campaigning category. First thoughts? No chance. But I found a little black dress, dusted off my Viv Westwood shoes and my amazing friend Ilona and I headed to the smoke. 

 

We were greeted by the Beat team onto the Thames-side Terrace Pavilion and spent time sipping wine and talking to other volunteers, MPs and eating disorders advocates. I was honoured that both my local MP, Jeremy Lefroy and Brooks Newmark MP came along to support me, after all it's them I keep pestering to help make change possible. Caroline Nokes MP, who chairs the All-Party group which got eating disorders talked about in parliament opened the event. Minister for Civil Society Nick Hurd MP spoke and presented the first award, the Lifetime Achievement Award to Diana Davis.

Jeremy Lefroy MP, me and Brooks Newmark MP

Next the awards move on to the other categories, from innovation, to fundraising and from education to support. Then it was time for the campaigning award, recognising; 

"A volunteer who is a passionate and powerful champion; demonstrating enthusiasm and passion, they provide a voice in helping to achieve Beat’s mission."

I was one of four nominees, along with Helen Missen, a Beat Cymru Ambassador, fellow media volunteer Jenny Cole and Rosie Driffill, Self Help and Support Groups Facilitator and Publicity Officer. And then my name was read out by Beat's Chief Executive, Susan Ringwood and my award handed to me by Caroline Nokes MP. I'd only gone and won it. 

Caroline Nokes MP, Me and my MP, Jeremy Lefroy. 

I am beyond honoured to have been recognised for the work I've done to support Beat's mission, I never thought I'd be able to make a difference. I just talk, share and stand up for what I believe. However, winning this award isn't just about what I do, but it's a reminder that collectively we CAN all make a difference. I do nothing special other than be honest about what it's like to have anorexia and be fighting it. Personally, I will keep pushing for what I believe needs to change and in my own recovery, I'm going to use it as a reminder of the part I can play in preventing others going through what I have.

With the other Award winners, Susan Ringwood and Caroline Nokes MP

So, I'm really bad at being proud of myself, as you may imagine with my illness, so I'll leave my final words to one of the people who nominated me: "Sarah is an inspiration to many. Still in recovery from anorexia she spends much of her time campaigning, getting involved in Beat's mission and also using her position as a journalist for good. She actively participates in her local NHS Trust and has lobbied her MP - even managing to secure a meeting in Parliament. She is a champion of Beat, active on her blog and social media and consistently participates in media opportunities helpling to enforce Beat's Guidelines and raise awareness."

Here's the gushy 'Oscar style' bit; Thank you to all of you who've read my blog, listened to my rants, retweeted my awareness tweets and to everyone who's supported my own recovery. To my EDU team who saved my life. Thank you to Jeremy Lefroy for his continued support. Thank you to Brooks Newmark who actively keeps in touch with me and to BEAT for allowing me to do what I do. To Ilona for inspiring me and kicking me in the right direction daily. And always, to all my friends and family for your belief that I can beat anorexia, even when I worry I won't. 

I really wouldn't be able to do any of this without you, and trust me when I say, I haven't even got started on the waves I want to make yet. 

See the FULL list of inspiring winners and what they've done for ED awareness HERE

Helping crack the anorexic code

Why do some people develop anorexia and others don't? Why do some people have anxiety disorders or depression alongside anorexia? Is there a certain 'type of person' more likely to suffer from anorexia? Is there a stroner genetic 'code' that makes some people predisposed to an eating disorder than we thought? 

There are so many questions, theories and studies trying to get to the bottom of it. But if you, like me, have suffered from anorexia nervosa the answer to some of these questions could be sat within YOU right now. 

The big challenge now is getting a little bit of our anorexic DNA out of us and into the National Institute for Health Research's 'BioResource' for Mental Health. They're building a library of biological, clinical, and neuroimaging information to help understand things like eating disorders. Sounds scientific doesn't it? Well, it is. But it's really simple to add your DNA to the library. I'm already in. 

Globally, AN25K wants to collect samples from 25,000 people who've suffered with anorexia. Here in the UK 'Charlottes Helix' is the campaign calling on just 1,000 of us to roll up our sleeves and donate four little viles of blood to help. (You can read more about why the Charlotte's Helix campaign is so special in a previous post.) But it's in memory of an inspiring eating disorders advocate, the late Charlotte Bevan. 

Since learning about the international collab a while ago, I'd decided that I wanted to be a part of it. Like I said, if potential answers, understanding and treatment is inside my blood, then science can have it. But my DNA can't figure it out alone. It needs as many sufferers as possible to fill up viles. 

Last week Ilona and I were in London for the Beat Awards and I couldn't think of a better occasion to make my donation to the Helix. It was even more special to be handing over my DNA with a fellow eating disorders campaigner and one of my best friends. 

I used to be terrified of needles and really not like blood, but let's be honest, in recovery we all get used to blood tests and being poked and prodded for tests. This is no different, but this time it was easy to get through because I just focused on the difference this blood donation was going to make. Because it will.

But this is where YOU come in if you've EVER had anorexia nervosa. 

So far the Helix has collected fewer than 200 DNA samples and the target is 1000, but I believe we can supersede this if we rally round to stock up the library. It's really simple to do and you don't have to be in London or make the trip. You can do it via your local GP, EDU or nurse and post it back. 

However you do it, don't let your DNA feel left out of this library. Like I said, it's YOUR DNA that could hold the answer to preventing, understanding and treating anorexia. And there's no science needed from us, phew. 

HOW TO DONATE YOUR DNA:

- Read more on the Charlotte' Helix website 

- Contact the Bio Resource Team at NIHR directly HERE 

- Follow them on Twitter @bio_resource and @HelixAN25 

This video explains what will happen How to Join the BR

HELP FUND THE HELIX CAMPAIGN: 

If you haven't suffered from anorexia, but would like to help DONATE HERE

EDAW '14 | POEM: 'Help You See'

I wrote this poem for my Dad just after I started my recovery to try and explain how anorexia gradually tore his daughter apart. I've not shared it with anyone other than him until now, but I hope it helps others see how falling into anorexia's trap feels, from the inside for a sufferer.

Help You See 

By Sarah Robertson (October 2011)

I wish I could help you see, What's going on inside of me

I wish I could show you all, How my life began to fall

How these thoughts, That you can't see

Have always, Been inside of me

How I want to try, How I want to fight

How want to be me, And sleep at night

I wish I could show you more, Help you understand

Tell you how is feels, And let you hold my hand.

It's not your fault, You're not to blame

It was lots of things, That blew out my flame

You know I've been scared, Always panicked and afraid

These thoughts damaged me, And the foundations were laid

The pressure to be perfect, And to do my best

I’ve never felt good enough, Compared to the rest.

I should have of shut up, I could always pretend

I could be a better daughter, A better sister and friend

I've always hated myself, For always causing a scene

I just wanted to be normal, Wished for what could have been.

Terrified of food, Scared of getting ill

The same old fears, Haunt me still.

They add to the pain, And they fuel the fire

They are stopping me having, What I truly desire

I want to believe, What you say I am

I want to look in the mirror, And believe ‘I can’

You say I was perfect, And beautiful before

It wasn’t my perfect, And I wanted more.

I want to be the best, I wanted to be free

I wanted more from life, And wanted more from me.

I felt like I was failing, Not listening to the voice

That if I was able to hear, Then I had a choice

To listen to myself, That bit deep inside,

The desperate voice, That I tried to hide.

That voice has spent, Many a year

Telling me I’m useless, I tried not to hear.

Useless and fat, Set up to fail

Not pretty or talented, Too yellow, too pale.

I was tired and stressed, Too exhausted to fight,

It got to the point, I couldn’t stand the sight

The sight of my stomach, My sides and my face

I hated my body. I felt a disgrace

I thought that by listening, By following my head

That I’d be thinner, better. I’d be confident instead.

Instead of always comparing, And wanting much more,

That I’d be the better one. The one they adore.

I was sick of the guilt, The pain and the regret,

For being greedy and hungry, I wanted to forget.

Forget how I felt, And forget about the rest,

But it wasn’t enough, Because I wasn’t the best.

I should have been wary, Of the promises I made

This pain and agony, Was not a fair trade

I don’t understand, Where it went wrong

When I lost control, Or for how long.

How long ago it changed, From the voice I controlled

To this voice that consumes me. The one that's made me so cold

It was hard to accept, That I lost the reign,

I didn’t like, What I became

It took so much, To come and tell you about me

It was only the start. My step to be free

It’s not going to be easy, Or simple or quick

To fix my fears, Of control, fat and sick.

The only thing I can do now,

The only thing I can be

Is promise you I am trying,

I just wish you could see.

EDAW '14 | Welcome to Eating Disorders Awareness Week

With at least 1.6 million people living with an eating disorder in the UK alone, I believe everyone should already know about the devastating impact they can have on someone's life, but unfortunately, not everyone does.

So that's why EATING DISORDERS AWARENESS WEEK exists. 

It's a chance to talk about eating disorders, all of them - anorexia, bulimia, binge and EDNOS - share our own experiences, bust myths, speak up even more than usual. 

It's a chance to break down misconceptions of what causes an eating disorder, who they hit and why. It's a time to remind people they're serious mental illnesses with serious consequences. It's a chance to break down stigma and change the stereotypes. 

But it's also about raising awareness to the fact that you CAN recover from an eating disorder. It's about letting people know about the charities, services and help that's out there to support their recovery and helping them get on the path and letting other sufferers know they're not alone.

It's about fighting back at pro-anorexia, fighting for more specialist eating disorder services, it's about fighting for parity of esteem in care, for more education to prevent them and so much more..So welcome, I did a little vlog to say hello...

I urge you to speak up, join the conversation, use the #EDAW2014 hashtag everywhere, write to your MP about services in your town. Hold a fundraiser, do your own thing, make extra effort in your own recovery. Talk, tell your story, don't be ashamed, educate and inspire. 

A few links: 

Join BEAT's 'Sock it to Eating Disorders' Campaign

It's also NEDA's EDAW over in America

How to write to your MP about eating disorders

The Dangerous ED Waiting Game

Eating disorders are mental illnesses that can have a devastating impact on those suffering and everyone around them. They can be fatal.  The longer someone battles with an illness like anorexia, the more consuming it becomes, the bigger the medical impact and the less likely they are to recover.

But recovery IS possible. That's why there's a fresh call for the Government to do more to help suffers make the break from their eating disorders and end a seriously dangerous waiting game.

Despite the need for quick intervention and care, research from the UK's leading eating disorder charity BEAT's found that more than a quarter (26%), that's one in four sufferers, have to wait longer than six months before they're referred to a specialist service. 

That's not the worst of it, 8% said they had to wait for longer than a year between seeking help from their GP and starting outpatient treatment. This is truly shocking and a seriously dangerous, heartbreaking waiting game. 

The poll of 500 eating disorder sufferers revealed shocking figures on NHS waiting times, which the charity says are 'unacceptable' and need parity with 18-week targets set out for physical health, and I say are just down right dangerous. 

As someone who's been let down and saved by NHS services, I know all too well the devastating reality of not getting specialist care before anorexia consumes someone's life. I wasn't taken seriously and was made to feel not 'sick enough' by a service. 

What happened? Well, even under the care of a community therapist who told me I just had 'low self-esteem' and issues with food, I dropped a significant amount of weight in a very short space of time. My BMI hit critical and THEN I was taken seriously, sort of. 

I moved GP and counties and was very nearly 'lost in the system' but after being given an 8-week wait for assessment following a referral from my GP, I broke down. I couldn't cope, no chance. I called the EDU and screamed that if I wasn't seen NOW, I wouldn't bother recovering and I'd die. 

They acted, I got seen, diagnosed with anorexia and treatment started within a matter of weeks. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. Even so, my weight plummeted further and I became more consumed by anorexia.

I dread to think what would have happened if I'd stuck with the original NHS waiting time? I have a feeling I may have become one of the 20% of sufferers who die from anorexia, making it the mental illness with the highest mortality rate. 

I'm not alone in not feeling 'sick enough' for treatment, 74% strongly agreed or agree that they were made to feel like this too, with 40% being told their BMI wasn't low enough to access treatment quickly. 

The problem is the longer someone goes without help with recovery, the more severe an eating disorder becomes. The poll found that almost three quarters of sufferers felt their illness became more severe whilst on a waiting list. Mine certainly did. 

Not only is the culture of leaving eating disorder sufferers on waiting lists with no clear targets seriously putting lives at risk, it's actually making the problem worse. Worse for the families and the friends of sufferers but for the NHS itself, because the longer someone has to wait for help fighting an eating disorder, the longer it takes to recover and let's be honest, the more it costs too. 

That's if sufferers haven't given up hope of recovery before they're seen;  60% said the longer they waited, the less motivated they were to even change.

Let's hope action is taken before it's too late, it's about time this dangerous waiting game was ended because recovery is possible, but waiting times make it a hell of a lot harder than it should be.

***

You can read more on BEATs research and download the full survey results here: FULL SURVEY 

See what BBC Newsround had to say on the poll's findings HERE
Read more about the work I'm doing in Staffordshire with my MP Jeremy Lefroy HERE

If you are on a waiting list or need to access treatment, please get in touch with BEAT and get help now. or call the helpline on 0845 634 1414