Counting Compulsions: Fitness apps and anorexia

Fitness Apps, they're everywhere nowadays aren't they? If people aren't checking their wrists for their Fitbits steps, they're logging calories on their phones, even competing with others for weight loss victory. However, when the person glued to the smartphone is someone with an eating disorder, these 'motivational' apps can become less helpful, more harmful. 

An exclusive story by BBC Hereford and Worcester journalist Felicity Sanderson highlighted the issue in a report in the West Midlands today. An issue I have experience of personally and one which, in 2016 with apps-galore, I think needs talking about more.

Her report states "health professionals in Worcestershire say around half their clients have been using the apps as a tool to punish their bodies." and it's making the sufferers eating disorders harder to beat.

A young woman called "Sophie" shared her story, of becoming 'addicted' to the apps from the age of 14. Now 18, and in recovery she wants to let others know just how addictive they can be. I for one share her experience, and know we're not alone.

In the depths of my own battle with anorexia, I logged every single calorie eaten or burnt and tracked my weight obsessively. But even more dangerous I connected with other eating disorded users too. 

People on diets may motivate each other towards health, but for people suffering with a mental illness like anoreixa, it's pushing each other towards death. 

After what was probably more than a year hooked to my phone at any chance I could, I confided in a friend as I entered recovery. She had to delete the app and lock me out of my account. It was the only way I could stop logging every single calorie. 

The issue for me now is the fact they're everywhere. Someone with anorexia (and let's face it - those numbers are growing day-by-day) can go unchecked using them. It also perpetuates the myth that they are 'fine' and just 'doing what everyone else is'. But it couldn't be more different. 

Remember here girls and boys, apps alone don't CAUSE anorexia, but they don't help promote a healthy recovery either.

Sufferers using them is something which needs talking and not just talking about, but tackling too. No where more so than on eating disorders wards. Even my own team were uneducated and shocked to see the prevalence of proana sites, communities on the likes of Instagram and Twitter. In just one or two clicks sufferers can spiral into a world which will only ever compound the illness. But there is also hundreds - if not thousands - of men and women with anorexia using these apps to normalise their illnesses, to strengthen them. 

No, we can't shelter sufferers from a world of fitness crazes, diets and calorie counting at our fingertips, but we can wise up to just how many people with anorexia are hooked on them.

I believe it's up to eating disorders services to screen for usage, and to check if their inpatients are using them on wards or outpatients are logging the calories they burnt walking to the hospital.

I know I did. 

To read more about this head over to BBC Online

You can watch the BBC Midlands Today report HERE

You can follow Felicity on Twitter @flissanderson 

For help and advice on eating disorders please contact the UK Charity BEAT 

Being recognised at Beat's birthday awards

Twenty five years of fighting back at eating disorders and educating people about the impact they have deserves a year of celebration, right? Well, that's exactly what Beat is doing throughout '14.

The charity has launched a five-point 25th Anniversary Manifesto. Five little promises it's making to help improve life for those affected by eating disorders. Five points which they (and I) hope prevent people suffering in the first place. Five areas in which other people can pledge to join the fight on too. Those little promises are things I'm proud to say I've already actively been pushing for since becoming a Media Volunteer for Beat during my own recovery, which leads me nicely on to the Beat Awards. 

I was honoured to find out I had been nominated and then short-listed for a Beat Volunteer Recognition Award for the campaigning I do on those very pledges. Seriously, honoured. 

An invitation landed in my inbox to a special event at the House of Commons on the 4th June during National Volunteers Week and I found out about the inspiring folk I was up against in the 'Public Awards' Campaigning category. First thoughts? No chance. But I found a little black dress, dusted off my Viv Westwood shoes and my amazing friend Ilona and I headed to the smoke. 

 

We were greeted by the Beat team onto the Thames-side Terrace Pavilion and spent time sipping wine and talking to other volunteers, MPs and eating disorders advocates. I was honoured that both my local MP, Jeremy Lefroy and Brooks Newmark MP came along to support me, after all it's them I keep pestering to help make change possible. Caroline Nokes MP, who chairs the All-Party group which got eating disorders talked about in parliament opened the event. Minister for Civil Society Nick Hurd MP spoke and presented the first award, the Lifetime Achievement Award to Diana Davis.

Jeremy Lefroy MP, me and Brooks Newmark MP

Next the awards move on to the other categories, from innovation, to fundraising and from education to support. Then it was time for the campaigning award, recognising; 

"A volunteer who is a passionate and powerful champion; demonstrating enthusiasm and passion, they provide a voice in helping to achieve Beat’s mission."

I was one of four nominees, along with Helen Missen, a Beat Cymru Ambassador, fellow media volunteer Jenny Cole and Rosie Driffill, Self Help and Support Groups Facilitator and Publicity Officer. And then my name was read out by Beat's Chief Executive, Susan Ringwood and my award handed to me by Caroline Nokes MP. I'd only gone and won it. 

Caroline Nokes MP, Me and my MP, Jeremy Lefroy. 

I am beyond honoured to have been recognised for the work I've done to support Beat's mission, I never thought I'd be able to make a difference. I just talk, share and stand up for what I believe. However, winning this award isn't just about what I do, but it's a reminder that collectively we CAN all make a difference. I do nothing special other than be honest about what it's like to have anorexia and be fighting it. Personally, I will keep pushing for what I believe needs to change and in my own recovery, I'm going to use it as a reminder of the part I can play in preventing others going through what I have.

With the other Award winners, Susan Ringwood and Caroline Nokes MP

So, I'm really bad at being proud of myself, as you may imagine with my illness, so I'll leave my final words to one of the people who nominated me: "Sarah is an inspiration to many. Still in recovery from anorexia she spends much of her time campaigning, getting involved in Beat's mission and also using her position as a journalist for good. She actively participates in her local NHS Trust and has lobbied her MP - even managing to secure a meeting in Parliament. She is a champion of Beat, active on her blog and social media and consistently participates in media opportunities helpling to enforce Beat's Guidelines and raise awareness."

Here's the gushy 'Oscar style' bit; Thank you to all of you who've read my blog, listened to my rants, retweeted my awareness tweets and to everyone who's supported my own recovery. To my EDU team who saved my life. Thank you to Jeremy Lefroy for his continued support. Thank you to Brooks Newmark who actively keeps in touch with me and to BEAT for allowing me to do what I do. To Ilona for inspiring me and kicking me in the right direction daily. And always, to all my friends and family for your belief that I can beat anorexia, even when I worry I won't. 

I really wouldn't be able to do any of this without you, and trust me when I say, I haven't even got started on the waves I want to make yet. 

See the FULL list of inspiring winners and what they've done for ED awareness HERE

Little ripples will cause waves of change

We need to talk about mental health, that much we already know. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess there are millions of people with stories of struggle and suffering, but also of recovery and strength hidden away inside them. 

It's these stories the world needs to hear more of so that perceptions of mental illness change, so the stigma is smashed. But how can people find the courage to speak up? Who goes first? Well, here's a thought...what if that person was you? 

I could reel off a compendium of quotes which remind me why I talk openly about my battle with anxiety and anorexia, my favourites are "You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs" and "be the change you wish to see in the world."

It's reading about other people's recovery which first inspired me to be open about mine. I knew hearing about their fight gave me hope I could do the same. Knowing I wasn't alone battling with an eating disorder was comforting. I realised that I shouldn't be ashamed about it. It helped me find my voice, it made me realise it's Time to Talk. 

Since the day I realised this, my aim has not been to cause waves with my voice alone, but to inspire other's to find theirs, to join in and create their own ripples. To speak up. Today I felt this ripple effect.

Through my own recovery blog and tweets I met a young woman in Staffordshire being treated at the same eating disorders unit as me. When we first hugged, she was frail, broken and scared. She had no voice, she was fearful of her own mind. I could see myself two years prior right there in front of me. Since then, she's fought (hard) to find that hidden voice, the courage to be herself.  Why am I telling you about her? Well, today she's the focus of a week-long 'Exploring Eating Disorders' special on Signal 1 News. 

This is the power of the ripple in action. Through me talking openly about eating disorders, it's reassured her it's okay to do the same. This is the first time Sarah Pustkowski has been this open with her mental health problems. It's still not easy to talk about mental health, that's why we need to keep fighting and talking.

It was powerful for me as a journalist to interview her and I have no doubt that in her finding her voice and sharing it on the radio to more than 300,000 listeners, her ripple will be contributing to the wave.

Sarah and I enjoying recovery together.

What I do know is that each contributing ripple makes a difference. We can't create world-changing waves alone, nope, but if everyone who shared their experience of mental illness inspired just one other person to be brave, we'd have a tsunami on our hands. 

You go first?

***
Listen to the EXPLORING EATING DISORDERS news special HERE
Get help from BEAT (the eating disorders charity) HERE

***

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: “Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”― Robert F. Kennedy

MHAW '14 | The worst cure for anxiety, ever.

I’ve said it a hundred times, and I’ll probably say it a thousand more but not everyone who suffers with anorexia spent their formative years idolising super models in Vogue, counting calories in their packed lunch or weighing themselves and their Barbie in the bathroom.

Actually, I spent my childhood an anxious mess in the bathroom worrying about messing things up and counting ways not to get ill. And here lie the seeds of my eating disorder, rooted firmly in anxiety.

A study in 2004 found two thirds of people with an eating disorder also suffer with one or more lifelong anxiety disorder. In that group, around 42 percent developed their issues with anxiety, whether that be generalised, social, a phobia or OCD, in childhood, way before their eating disorder kicked in.

My life was hit by an anxiety disorder at the age of seven.

I developed emetophobia, a fear of vomit and illness after a traumatic incident at a local theatre. Living with this specific anxiety disorder resulted in a childhood splattered with panic attacks and obsessive rules. But I learnt how to get by. It was horrible to grow up feeling different to my friends, being a worrier, not really getting excited about things, instead dread them going wrong or being ruined by illness. I would go out of my way to avoid being sick. 

My head was always full of my little coping tactics or I’d be busy searching for new ways to stop the anxiety.

I just needed a focus. I needed to take the anxiety away for good. And while I am at it, I’d like to feel good enough, I want to fix my body as well as my mind, I want to feel in control of my life. And for me, that’s where anorexia nervosa started to creep in. (I will try to keep this simple, but there are other reasons behind my eating disorder.)

For a while, it felt like I had found a simple, one-track coping mechanism.

I could control food, which kept me safe from sickness. I could focus on calories, which stopped me focusing on being sick. I could control my weight, because I couldn’t control the panic attacks. I could measure my worth in kilos, because measuring it against my friends was making me feel crap.

This miracle cure for anxiety was anorexia. Finally, I’d solved it. I was fixed. Wrong.

There is a big fault here. I was like an addict; I got more obsessed with this new found control, hooked on the way it made me feel. It became my life; I never wanted to feel anxiety again. But to keep up the hits had to get strong and for longer. I’d have to run further, eat less and see lower numbers on the scale to hit that euphoria. It seems I'm not alone, as studies into anorexia playing this role have shown. 

Another fault in this 'fix' for anxiety is that anorexia is a serious mental illness. It brings its own anxieties and obsessions along for the ride, which get tangled with the underlying anxiety it was ‘meant’ to be solving.

I didn’t develop anorexia because I'd always been obsessed with being thin. One of the biggest reasons I, and many others, end up with an eating disorder is because we became obsessed with the distraction it gives us. The distraction from the anxiety which fills our minds, it gives us the order and structure we crave. Until, that is, it winds up being even more chaotic than the problems that came before it. 

This is just one reason we need to be ANXIETY AWARE. We need to alert people to the faulty ways of taking anxieties away, before they get tangled too. 

What's your experience with existential anxiety and an eating disorder? Please share.

Helpful Links: 

Emetophobia Help 

Anxiety UK

Anxiety in Children - Guide for Parents from Young Minds 

Beat - Eating Disorders 

EDAW '14 | POEM: 'Help You See'

I wrote this poem for my Dad just after I started my recovery to try and explain how anorexia gradually tore his daughter apart. I've not shared it with anyone other than him until now, but I hope it helps others see how falling into anorexia's trap feels, from the inside for a sufferer.

Help You See 

By Sarah Robertson (October 2011)

I wish I could help you see, What's going on inside of me

I wish I could show you all, How my life began to fall

How these thoughts, That you can't see

Have always, Been inside of me

How I want to try, How I want to fight

How want to be me, And sleep at night

I wish I could show you more, Help you understand

Tell you how is feels, And let you hold my hand.

It's not your fault, You're not to blame

It was lots of things, That blew out my flame

You know I've been scared, Always panicked and afraid

These thoughts damaged me, And the foundations were laid

The pressure to be perfect, And to do my best

I’ve never felt good enough, Compared to the rest.

I should have of shut up, I could always pretend

I could be a better daughter, A better sister and friend

I've always hated myself, For always causing a scene

I just wanted to be normal, Wished for what could have been.

Terrified of food, Scared of getting ill

The same old fears, Haunt me still.

They add to the pain, And they fuel the fire

They are stopping me having, What I truly desire

I want to believe, What you say I am

I want to look in the mirror, And believe ‘I can’

You say I was perfect, And beautiful before

It wasn’t my perfect, And I wanted more.

I want to be the best, I wanted to be free

I wanted more from life, And wanted more from me.

I felt like I was failing, Not listening to the voice

That if I was able to hear, Then I had a choice

To listen to myself, That bit deep inside,

The desperate voice, That I tried to hide.

That voice has spent, Many a year

Telling me I’m useless, I tried not to hear.

Useless and fat, Set up to fail

Not pretty or talented, Too yellow, too pale.

I was tired and stressed, Too exhausted to fight,

It got to the point, I couldn’t stand the sight

The sight of my stomach, My sides and my face

I hated my body. I felt a disgrace

I thought that by listening, By following my head

That I’d be thinner, better. I’d be confident instead.

Instead of always comparing, And wanting much more,

That I’d be the better one. The one they adore.

I was sick of the guilt, The pain and the regret,

For being greedy and hungry, I wanted to forget.

Forget how I felt, And forget about the rest,

But it wasn’t enough, Because I wasn’t the best.

I should have been wary, Of the promises I made

This pain and agony, Was not a fair trade

I don’t understand, Where it went wrong

When I lost control, Or for how long.

How long ago it changed, From the voice I controlled

To this voice that consumes me. The one that's made me so cold

It was hard to accept, That I lost the reign,

I didn’t like, What I became

It took so much, To come and tell you about me

It was only the start. My step to be free

It’s not going to be easy, Or simple or quick

To fix my fears, Of control, fat and sick.

The only thing I can do now,

The only thing I can be

Is promise you I am trying,

I just wish you could see.

EDAW '14 | Welcome to Eating Disorders Awareness Week

With at least 1.6 million people living with an eating disorder in the UK alone, I believe everyone should already know about the devastating impact they can have on someone's life, but unfortunately, not everyone does.

So that's why EATING DISORDERS AWARENESS WEEK exists. 

It's a chance to talk about eating disorders, all of them - anorexia, bulimia, binge and EDNOS - share our own experiences, bust myths, speak up even more than usual. 

It's a chance to break down misconceptions of what causes an eating disorder, who they hit and why. It's a time to remind people they're serious mental illnesses with serious consequences. It's a chance to break down stigma and change the stereotypes. 

But it's also about raising awareness to the fact that you CAN recover from an eating disorder. It's about letting people know about the charities, services and help that's out there to support their recovery and helping them get on the path and letting other sufferers know they're not alone.

It's about fighting back at pro-anorexia, fighting for more specialist eating disorder services, it's about fighting for parity of esteem in care, for more education to prevent them and so much more..So welcome, I did a little vlog to say hello...

I urge you to speak up, join the conversation, use the #EDAW2014 hashtag everywhere, write to your MP about services in your town. Hold a fundraiser, do your own thing, make extra effort in your own recovery. Talk, tell your story, don't be ashamed, educate and inspire. 

A few links: 

Join BEAT's 'Sock it to Eating Disorders' Campaign

It's also NEDA's EDAW over in America

How to write to your MP about eating disorders

Whispering about eating disorders in Westminster

When I have my mind set on doing something, it often becomes hard to stop me striving to change the thing  I feel passionately about. That comes in handy sometimes.

And there's not much that comes close to matching how determined I am to raise awareness of eating disorders and push for quicker access to specialist services for people trapped by them.

That's why at the start of last year I wrote to my local MP Jeremy Lefroy, during Eating Disorders Awareness Week, urging him to listen and to take action to change things here in Staffordshire and right across the UK.

We're lucky in Stafford to have an excellent eating disorders service, but even our neighbouring NHS trusts are still short of the specialists and when they do have them, the challenge is getting access. Quickly. Even The Royal College of Psychiatrists say the level of specialist care out there is not good enough. 

If nothing else, I hope other services can learn from the multi-disciplinary approach I know I'm lucky enough to get. I know cash is short, but when eating disorders alone rack up healthcare costs of £80-100 million every year and affect at least 1.6 million people, it's got to be worth investment, right? 

If we think of the wider economy, eating disorders cost an estimated £1.26 billion in England alone. Shocking, yet preventable. 

Jeremy Lefroy (second left) with the EDU team at SS&SFT and me.

Since writing, I've met with Mr Lefroy at his Stafford office, he's visited my EDU, met with staff and learnt more about how things work here - I'm trying to arm him with enough of the facts to take the issues to the top. The very top.

And that's what he and I did, we arranged to meet with the inspiring Brooks Newmark, MP for Braintree, who's also an eating disorder survivor himself. 

So, in November I caught a train to London, hoped off at Westminster, jumped feet first into the heart of Parliament and met Jeremy and Brooks at Porticullis House, avec an large americano, of course. 

We discussed the findings of Beat's shocking Waiting Times research, which highlighted more than a quarter (26%), that's one in four sufferers, have to wait longer than six months before they're referred to a specialist OP service, in which time many people's desire to recover reduced. 

I shared my experience and was able to hear first-hand about Brooks' own battles and why he is also keen to keep eating disorders on the agenda, and of course we spoke about ideas for change.

Brooks Newmark MP

Of which I have lots, firstly education, education and more education to break down the stigma in schools and arm teachers, friends, parents and doctors with the facts to provide early intervention. Who could argue that this would be a way to PREVENT eating disorders from taking control at all? 

But when they do start to ruin lives? Well, that's when the Government needs to ensure the right services are in the right place and at the right time. It would cost the NHS a lot less to treat the early signs of eating disorders, than it does right now to rescue people from crisis.  

This is what I want to keep at the forefront of politicians' conciousness, until we can see changes to the way eating disorders are viewed and until more people are getting help, sooner. I can't do this alone, and knowing who they know, and with me pushing from behind, I'm sure both MPs can ensure our voices are heard in the right ears. 

There is much more to do and so much more to say, but as I think both Jeremy and Brooks have already realised, I'm not going anywhere any time soon.

I will go to Parliament, speak openly, tweet and meet as many people, as many times as it takes until I feel change is happening. 

Just you watch me. 

Anorexia's Dirty Online Secret

Campaigning for eating disorder awareness in twenty thirteen, seems to go hand-in-hand with fighting ever-reincarnating pro-anorexia material on social media sites.

Most of us know the sites, accounts, blogs and hashtags that lead to the never-ending pages of thigh gaps, minuscule meals and anorexia 'tips'. The links showing graphic images of self harm, naked skeletal teens and challenges for sufferers to starve for 'likes'. How do people not know? Everyone knows about them, right?

As one hashtag gets blocked by bosses of sites like Instagram, another pops up. But we all know they were never REALLY blocked. 

I know them better than I wish I did, I used to be part of the 'community' before I chose recovery. Sucked into forums embedding my illness deeper, cutting me off from the world that said I had a problem and normalising my destructive, abusive behaviour. I wasn't ill, I was totally in control. 

But are professional eating disorder specialists still unaware of the scale of the problem of pro-anorexia material online? Are they slow to catch up to the talk of Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr and dedicated forums? After the conversation I had today, I think they are. 

I'm not sure WHY they don't have their finger on the pulse. Is it because those of us in recovery are too scared or ashamed to talk about it during therapy? It's still something I struggle to talk about, it's sort of like admitting to your teacher you look at porn, it's like outing a 'dirty little secret.' 

Seeing the look of shock and confusion as I tried to explain the doors a single hashtag opened and how huge a problem it is. How abusive, addictive and disturbing the images are and the impact they have. How despite 'crackdowns' it's not going away. It's getting bigger, more explicit and EASIER to find.

What is worrying is that I can guarantee that in patients are logging on and keeping in touch with the eating disordered dark side, from the inside. I know this, because I SEE their posts, their vlogs, their meals and their comments, cuts and scars.

It's easy to be suck in by the hashtags, they go hand-in-hand with #recovery. I admit, I still look, compare and get compelled by the pro-anorexic world behind my screen(s). For as much talking as I do in therapy and as honest as I usually am, this is one area that's not been mentioned and with the internet being the beast it is, it should be. 

More really NEEDS to be done to educate and update professionals in what is going on behind the screens of patients, on their mobile phones, in homes of out-patients and inside the very walls of the units trying to break them free from their illness. 

Sod OK! magazine and airbrushing THIS is a problem and it is abuse. 

For as long as professionals and wards shy away from the influence of social media and for as long as they don't question or challenge it, or reach out to those who've not entered treatment, it's not going to stop. 

An education in eating disorder services

It started with a tweet to my local MP during Eating Disorders Awareness Week in March, urging him to think about the impact of eating disorders in his constituency, my home town. 

The tweets and letters resulted in a meeting with Jeremy Lefroy back in April to arm him with the facts, figures, reality and seriousness of eating disorders, in a hope that he'll be able to raise HIS voice in future parliamentary debates. I'm determined that with his help, we can keep it on the Government's agenda and  he can support the work I want to do here in Stafford.

Sharing my experience obviously turned to talking about the care I'm currently getting at South Staffordshire and Shropshire NHS Healthcare Foundation Trust's specialist eating disorder service, The Kinver Unit in Stafford. As well as the care I've NOT had elsewhere. But I wanted him to meet my team and see it for himself.

That's what happened today. 

From L-R; Jennie Collier, Jeremy Lefroy MP, Dr Rob Dennis, Me and Service Manager, Fiona Preston.

Jeremy Lefroy and I met with Fiona Preston, Service Manager (who just happens to be my dietician too!) Kim Moore, Nurse Consultant, Dr Rob Dennis, Consultant Psychiatrist and Jennie Collier, the Head of Children's and Specialist Services Directorate. 

It was a chance for introductions, to tell Jeremy more about eating disorders in general and for him to get a taste of what the service does and who it helps. But also who CAN'T get support and who the service can't reach. The gaps, the issues, the funding....and we know health and hospitals are hot topics in Stafford right now.

We spoke about eating disorders, treatment, services, commissioning groups, prevention, education and how this service has developed and how it can improve. All starting points for the future. Mr Lefroy saw first hand the kitchens, art rooms, garden, bedrooms and dining room playing a part in turning round the lives of his constituents suffering with such destructive mental illnesses. 

From the point of view from someone who's fighting back at anorexia, I want to make it clear that I think more awareness and education is needed to catch the illness sooner and to help prevent it consuming people like it did me, and so many others. 

Yes, today he saw what a successful, established eating disorder service looks like and how it works and the challenges it faces, but wouldn't it be nice if it was needed less? 

There are so many things tackle when it comes to eating disorders, it's overwhelming to think of the mountains left to climb to help save lives and slash the stigma. But I figure using my voice to talk about the hills I'd like to take on first was a good place to start. This is just one of them.

So, watch this space, because I'm not stopping this conversation any time soon...

If you are worried about eating disorders or need to find a service near you, please contact UK eating disorders charity B-EAT  ASAP.

Talking Anorexia & Busting Myths

How are more people going to understand eating disorders? How are more people going to be able to ask for help? How are we going to keep mental health in the forefront of MP and doctors minds?

Answer: We need to keep talking about it. (or shouting about it where necessary!) 

Break the Silence of anorexia. Talk about it.

Let's be honest, they're pretty damn complex and confusing, for the sufferer and everyone else.

 But a fear of the unknown and misunderstanding of eating disorders does two things; It traps sufferers in silence, scared of being judged for their illness and it creates a stigma around what eating disorders REALLY are and who really suffers. 

The only way to tackle both head on is to start conversations, educate, expose talk and try and get our heads around the nitty gritty, often sensitive and scary issues surrounding eating disorders. 

And that's what I did today. 

You can hear my open and honest interview about my own battles with anorexia with Perry Spiller on BBC Radio Stoke for the next 7 days on the BBC iPlayer HERE  (or click the logo)

If you're struggling with an eating disorder or are worried about a family member or friend please get help and get in touch with someone:-

BEAT - The UK's eating disorder charity 

Mind Charity - The mental health charity

Team Recovery - An online support network of 'Recovery Ninjas' I co-founded

If you're a fellow 'media lovie' who'd like to SHOUT about mental health and talk about eating disorders, please, please take time to read Time to Change and BEAT's Media Guidelines.

Everyone mentioned here can also be found on Twitter. 

Mental Health Awareness Week 2013 - 'Look after that mind of yours, okay?'

Talking about mental health, doesn’t always need to be talking about serious mental illness.

It’s about asking a friend if they’re okay, it’s about supporting a sister who’s stressed out and it’s about looking out for that colleague who seems super-anxious this week.

It's about starting those conversations. 

One thing my journey though life with splatterings of mental health issues has taught me is that talking about feelings and looking out for each other could save us from slipping under.

Think back to your own experiences, there were probably times you wanted to tell your boss that one more paper placed on your desk was too much and your best friend, that your boyfriend cheating on you was not actually something ‘you could deal with.’

I think everyone would benefit from being open about those days when you feel so shit, that you don’t actually want to get out of bed or so anxious that we avoid going for a new job or promotion.

We need to be better at admitting we’re NOT okay. Mentally.

Not in a melodramatic, ‘woe is me’ way, blowing every emotion out of proportion way or in a quick and speedy diagnosis of a mental illness that isn’t there, but in an honest way which opens us up to new suggestions, help and advice that could help solve the issue.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I managed to hold my ever-expanding negative thoughts together for so long, how I managed to keep anorexia at bay for so many years or how I faced the fear, and bloody well did it anyway, maybe I’ll never know. 

BUT I can't help but think that if I’d been MORE honest about the reality of my thoughts, then maybe I’d not have gotten as ill as I did.  My reality is that I am fighting a mental illness, but I’m learning what my 'anorexic worries' are, and which are just, well, human.

It’s being aware and open about these human worries that I think could benefit everyone. Selfishly, it helps me ‘check in’ with friends which thoughts are ‘normal’ and which are illogical, silly Sarah or ‘Ana’ thoughts. It helps to know what I’m fighting.

The more I’ve spoken to friends, family and the twittersphere about mental health, the more I have come to terms with just how many of us think the same negative thoughts or have the same worries. I joke with some of my friends about diagnosing them with mental illnesses and that it’s just that I’m ‘certified crazy’ and they’re on the loose.

But Un-PC jokes aside, not only do I hope talking about my own worries and issues helps people in the same eating disordered boat as me, but also helps people without mental illnesses become more aware of the importance of looking after their own mental health.

I really do believe there is something positive in a conversation that includes the words; “It’s okay, I understand, feel the same sometimes too….”

It might just help us find positive and constructive ways to face this funny old world of ours?

EDAW '13 - Anorexia's Ricochets

“From the outside looking in, it’simpossible to understand. From the inside looking out, it’s impossible toexplain…”

Fear, frustration, anger, agony…the list goes on. 

Anorexiacan draw out a thousand emotions for the person trapped inside the illness, amillion things they can’t explain to anybody, no matter how hard they try. Butit’s not just the person suffering who feels these things.

Despite being a private, secretive, guarded mental illness... 

anorexia’s ricochets hit every single personaround the sufferer....

No one issafe from the destructive emotions which run alongside an eating disorder. Ittears apart lives, friendships, families and relationships; anorexia has nomercy in who she takes down on her mission to make the sufferer disappear.

It’s near impossible to clear the fog around why someonedevelops anorexia, why they live with it and why they can’t see what it’s doingto them physically and mentally. It’s agonising for someone with anorexia toexplain why and (I’m told) the frustration in trying to understand why your daughter,friend, sister or aunty has spiralled into self-destruct mode, and then, whenshe speaks up, why she doesn’t change what’s killing her, is as equallyagonising.  

The battlefield in explaining and understanding is EXACTLY what anorexia wants. It keepsthe sufferer alone, isolated, feeling frustrated, worthless and guilty. Theexact feelings the illness feeds from.

“Why can’t I make them understand, I don’tunderstand, I’m not good enough to explain, I can’t show them I’m trapped, I’mstuck in here, I’m rubbish, I’m hurting them, I’m a horrible person and I can’tstop. I’m out of control, I need control.”…and so it spirals.  

As a teenager, student, a professional journalist, an adult,I was scared to tell them how serious the ‘I’m too fat’ or ‘I don’t eat that’thoughts were. After all, I appeared fine and healthy on the outside.

I couldn’t say the words ‘I have anorexia’ when I wasformally diagnosed and I couldn’t explain to my heartbroken friends why Icontinued to disappear in front of their eyes or to my family, why I ‘couldn’tjust eat’ once I was ‘in recovery’.  Forme, the desperation in trying to get everybody to understand kept my trapped mein my illness and continues to halt my progress in recovery.

But in this desperation to explain, as well as the all-consuming habits and thoughts anorexia brings, I suppose I became blind and ignorant to how I was affecting those around me. And I still am, in some ways.

For those reading this WITH anorexia, I hope it highlights how your illness might be impacting on the people who helplessly watched you disappear or who are trying to support you in recovery. And for the friends, family and colleagues of someone battling anorexia, I hope some of the words of the people around me provide a ‘me too’ moment, which gives you hope that the fog isn’t permanent,and it WILL slowly lift. Mine is lifting day by day. 

I’ve been overwhelmed with how honest, varied and howsimilar some of the experiences of the people around me have been…This video containsjust SOME of the things they’ve shared, and are just SOME of the people around me, I wish I could have spoken to everybody that's close to me. (They know who they are)  But I hope this helps raises awareness of whatit’s like for the people around someone fighting anorexia…This was the hardest thing I've ever produced and written.... 

NOTES: I've blurred the images of friends and family and this video contains a mixture of images from BEFORE anorexia took control, during my illness (but not *triggering* or lowest weight pictures) and more recent 'recovery' pictures. I wanted to use a variety and mix them up. 

EDAW '13 - Becoming AWARE of ourselves

Eating Disorders Awareness Week's about raising awareness of eating disorders, breaking down stigma and opening up conversation about serious and secretive mental illnesses. But, there's another 'awareness' which I feel under-pins recovery from an eating disorder too.

Self-awareness; Knowing what thoughts lead to which feelings, how we react to social situations, to success and to failure. Building self-awareness is still something I'm striving to do in my own recovery.

Those people with an eating disorder will know all too well how EXHAUSTING this part of recovery is, you become AWARE of what is 'eating disordered', which thoughts and behaviours are destructive and what may have triggered them too. But re-wind, the first step in recovery for me was to think about who I was, why I react in certain ways and to think about my 'character'. What makes me, me?

This piece of work was one of the early things I wrote for my therapist and I've not shared it until now.

I was asked to write a self-characterisation. How I would DESCRIBE me, if I were my BEST FRIEND. At the time it was the hardest thing to do, I was lost in my illness and didn't know who I was - or so I thought. But reading this back today, it makes sense - it's me, it's exactly me? Which proves underneath the layers of disorder, this woman has always been there, it was just covered in anorexia's web and becoming aware of my character and my personality, helps me understand where anorexia could jump in and claim to 'fix' it for me.(N.B. It doesnt!)

Maybe it would be good for everyone, eating disordered or not, to think about this too...

Self-Characterisation

Me in 2010 - What was REALLY happening behind those bug eyes?

(Written in September 2011) 

She is a complex character with a lot to say. She’s not afraid of speaking up about her opinion or voicing her complaints or comments when she wants to. Although, sometimes you have to sieve what she says for effect or to be contrary, from the bits she really feels or means honestly.  Her likes and dislikes can change from day to day or hour to hour and it can sometimes be exhausting to keep up.

On the surface she seems driven and focused on achieving her ambitions and dreams, but it is clear to those that know her that more often than not she is trying to convince herself that she knows which path she’d rather be on. This uncertainty in her own thoughts and ambitions can almost seems like she’s out to prove something to everyone around her and to herself.

One of Sarah’s major struggles is her inability to live in the here and now and accept things for the way they are. She almost seems to live in the past, always dragging up old emotions, blaming herself for things that were sometimes not even her own wrong doing, without even realising she’s doing it.  She blames herself for things that sometimes weren’t even her fault and she convinces herself they were.  If she isn’t playing old events and situations around in her head, she’s planning and worrying about the future. Worried about whether she is ever going to be able to reach her high goals of getting what she wants or whether she is going to mess it all up.

Sarah’s need for control is clear for us all to see and she even knows the extent of her desire herself. All is fine and well until the control is taken away from her and then if that dreaded situation ever occurs, her mood can switch quickly. Her defences go up and her tone becomes less open and chatty and becomes more argumentative and defensive. It almost seems that the loss of control over a situation is too much for her to handle and the barriers go up to protect her weakness.

This can also be seen when Sarah doubts the value of her opinions or if she or her work are criticised. It doesn’t stop there though, Sarah joins in and her habit of being her worst critic comes into action. To those who don’t know her, this is more than likely to be perceived as an inability to take criticism on board, even if it is constructive. But it’s quite the opposite. If you get to really know her you’ll understand that it is because she is her biggest critic and tortures herself for not having done something perfectly in the first place.

Her chatty personality comes across as confident and bubbly on the surface when faced with social events but the internal monologue she is used to hearing paints a very different picture of her. Sarah seems unable to stop comparing herself, physically and socially to anyone who comes into contact with, even her best friends and family. She can almost seem envious or jealous of those around her and her competitiveness ensures she can’t accept being the one no one else envies.

Sarah might not be the prettiest the richest or the most ‘career’ successful of her friends, but she is also not the one with a husband, house or child.  Most of the people around her can accept their ‘place’ in society and accept themselves, but not Sarah. She can’t accept any of it. It is almost as though she doesn’t feel good enough in any of these areas, never mind achieving her goals of being the one they envy.

Sarah, at 26 years old, has only recently realised the extent to which she has managed to keep up her internal conflict of control and self-doubt whilst portraying a driven, independent and confident woman on the surface. It is only after unpeeling some of her layers that you realise that those moments of defensive comments or the times her mood switched or that day she snapped, were pockets of herself hate seeping to the surface in moments of weakness. They are the moments when you realise that she is not she strong as she seems.

EDAW '13 - Talking about MY anorexia

So, it's day two of Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2013 and I am sharing a 'vlog' today as part of my challenge to talk about eating disorders in a different way everyday to raise awareness.

Despite being stuck in the epicentre of anorexia, I  learn new things about eating disorders and associated mental health problems every single time I talk to someone about it. Everyone has a different explanation, reason, habit, strength and weakness. I also learn a lot from listening to myself.

Today I listened to what my eating disorder was screaming (it does that!) and to what my dietician was saying and what I was thinking after 'coming out' about anorexia and saying 'those' words....I HAVE ANOREXIA....and this vlog is about what I've learnt and my pledge for the future.

Keep talking and keep reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders. It could help somebody more than you think...

How aware are you?

Did you know?  1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental health related illness at some point in their lives.

Tomorrow (Monday 10th October 2011)  is World Mental Health Day and the start of OCD Awareness Week. An important week to raise awareness of mental health issues globally and hopefully reduce the stigma surrounding mental health. 

This year the theme is "Investing in mental health".  The World Health Organisation states that; "Financial and human resources allocated for mental health are inadequate especially in low resource countries. The majority of low- and middle-income countries spend less than 2% of their health budget on mental health.

FACT: Many countries have less than one mental health specialist per one million population. Even a considerable part of the limited resources is spent on large mental hospitals and not for services delivered through community and primary health care.

I have suffered with mental health problems since the age of 8, along with friends and family who have battled (and still battle) with OCD, depression, eating disorders and anxiety. They are some of the strongest people I know.

It is definitely something I feel strongly about and it is time that people try and understand the battle people suffering with any mental illness go through on a daily basis. Remember, just because you can't SEE someone hurting, doesn't mean they are not hurting.

For more information or support visit OCD-UK or join the Facebook group 

For more information and fact sheets on mental health visit the website or join the Facebook group