Why I'm a mental health bore

I’m dusting off my keyboard and posting for the first time in ages about mental health, but given it was Time to Talk day this week, it's time to start talking, or typing, again.

The thing is I’ve never stopped.

In the last seven years I’ve spoken more about my own mental health then I have in the almost 34 I’ve been alive. Sadly in those seven years the situation we find ourselves in has got worse and worse. Not a day goes by it seems without a worrying statistic coming out highlighting a rise in suicides, eating disorders, self harm or too-long waits for care. But not a day goes by without me trying to start a conversation about mental health either.  

Loosing my shit with anorexia in 2011 scared me enough to finally get help and speak what was on my mind and it did help. I decided to openly write and share my recovery too. But since then, I've That realised the positive benefits of saying out loud what's going on in my brain, for protecting my own sanity, and for normalising what millions of people worrying about confessing everyday.

Some may call me a 'mental health bore', I do talk about it a lot, I pull people up on things I don’t think are appropriate, I tell people when I think the stigmatising mental health and I definitely share my experience wherever I can. 

It's not easy on the old grey mass though, talking openly about my anxieties and obsessions still feels like a drain on others, it makes me feel that everybody judges me or moans about the fact that I talk about mental health or tell people diets are dangerous or correct people's reporting on mental illness. I really do feel like a bore. But today I’m going to put it out there, I don’t give a fuck.

You know what I do give a fuck about though? It is the number of people have died from mental health issues, either through suicide or the physical impact of their mental illness, since I was first diagnosed with one. In 1992. To help, let's say when it hit crisis in 2011. Around 6000 people a year take their own lives, so 42,000 dead from suicide alone, three quarters of those men. 

Research last year suggested the number of referrals to child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS) in England has gone up by by 26 percent over the past five years. One in 10 children are now thought to have a diagnosable disorder. That's about 3 per class. More and more children are waking up wishing they didn't.  As I write this, I've just heard on the BBC News channel there's a wait even if you're a suicidal kid. More are starving themselves in the search for something better. That's more under 18s self-harming or purging every year. That's what I give a fuck about. In 2017-18 more than a quarter of a million children were refereed to services. They are the lucky ones put on a waiting list or shipped hundreds of miles from home for care. Lucky, huh? 

So, let's take it back a step. How about the number of people have been too scared to ask for help or amount of people that have tried to open up and faced resistance from a society that didn’t want to hear them. Or the number of people that have heard, 'we understand' but then are isolated from friendship groups for being 'the crazy one'. Or those who've been able to open up only to be told there is a six month waiting list to see a shrink. They are the people I will keep talking for.  The NHS can't do everything, the Government can't just throw money at services overnight, so in the mean time let's keep talking.

It's not all bad though, in the past seven years I have had so many positive conversations. Come across people who've never opened up about their past, or current, battles with anorexia, met people just like me who've been suffering with panic attacks since childhood. I've found out people's sisters, daughters, sons and mothers are battling right now. I have also laughed about some of the obsessive habits I still have.

In mental health training at work I spoke up (even though I was terrified) to share my experience to help colleagues understand. I met my OH and on the first date 'confessed' my mental illness(es) and continued to talk to him about them, and he still loves me. I've supported my best friend, who helped save my life, through her own battle with depression and recruited her to the 'bore club' too.  I've opened up to the amazing women at my yoga studio, my reflexologist and the gorgeous Emma, who 'sugars' my bikini line. while she was sugaring. And they're in too. 

I don't know for sure how many people are alive today because someone asked them more than once if they were 'really' okay. We don't keep statistics on the children who've realised they're not alone feeling worthless and asked for help. I am unsure of the percentage of people now getting help because me or other mental health bores have campaigned in the past, but that doesn't really matter.

I will keep being open, disclosing my mental health issues to anyone who'll listen, talking about recovery and relapse and I will keep being a mental health bore. Please join me, people's lives depend on it. 

GET HELP HERE:

Beat - Eating Disorders

Mind

C.A.L.M 

Samaritans 
Younger Minds 

#EDAW2018 Why I waited...

Why wait? That's the theme of this year's Eating Disorders Awareness Week. New research by Beat found that on average, people with eating disorder symptoms wait 149 weeks before they seek help. That’s almost three years, 37 months or 1,043 days. Well,

I am not sure if this is acute symptoms, you know, the weight loss, restrictive diet, loss of periods..etc...or the wait between first feeling like absolutely shit about yourself, not good enough, hating your body, cutting out bits of food and exercising a little out of guilt? Because if it is the latter things, I reckon my wait was about 1015 weeks, or 7109 days - that's 19 years, 5 months, 17 days.

So why did I wait THAT long? Okay for the first 8 or so years, I admit, I was getting help. But for anxiety and phobias, all to do with food, but never for anorexia. So, obviously, I didn't have an eating disorder*  (*allegedly!) 

Later on, and definitely from about 2009, like it or not, I honestly believed anorexia served me, that it made sense, that it was helping me deal with life around me. It was making me feel pretty damn good at the time. I waited because, firstly, I didn't think I had an eating disorder and then because of that feel-good feeling it was giving me. I was high on it I waited because I didn't want someone to take that feeling away. Why would I?

Of course, everyone who suffers with an eating disorder will have a different experience and varying reasons why an eating disorder developed in the first place and a whole host of different barriers for waiting to speak up. Some from inside, others because of the world around us.

For me, maybe it's also because no one else ever really mentioned a specific eating disorder as something I was suffering from. After all,  62% of adults are twice as likely to list weight loss or being thin as a sign of an eating disorder over any other. so if I wasn't underweight, who was going to mention anorexia, of all things?

I felt like a fraud for even being signed off work for stress and anxiety, let alone because I was suffering with some sort of 'eating disorder'. So, I wasn't going to be the one who brought up my low calorie intake, my now obsessive exercise regime or the hours I spent on Pro-Anorexia forums, or the nights I spent body checking and weighing myself. I waited because I was doing 'just fine' in my eyes. 

The way that an eating disorder feels likes it serves a purpose to the sufferer means it's unlikely to be us that speaks up first. The fake sense of friendship and security my 'lifestyle' gave me was the reason I waited. Honestly, I didn't want it taking away. So, I didn't believe it was anorexia back then, even though I knew the symptoms, and was logging on to forums where 'ana' and 'mia' were spoken about.

To stop this delay between first psychological, and sometimes physical symptoms, of an eating disorder and someone getting help, it has to be then, down to more awareness. More people need to know the signs and how to talk to the person showing them.

I reckon I would have kept waiting to speak up if it wasn't for a close friend calling me out. Saying the word 'anorexia' for the first time. Then, family helped stop the plates spinning and I move home. At this point, whether I believed it was anorexia or not, I was finally sick of waiting. Sort of. Because once I'd decided this, I had the wait for assessment, the wait for diagnosis, then for the effects of treatment to kick in and the wait for acceptance that I actually had anorexia.

A lot of waiting, right?

Moral of the story is simply that waiting until crisis or just waiting longer than we should reduces the chance of beating an eating disorder. It is waiting that benefits no one but the eating disorder.

For me personally, I am thankful I had people around me that DID know the signs and symptoms and spoke to me because at that time I would have waited so long, that I would possibly been dead. Looking back I wish that I had spoken up sooner about what was going on, wish that I hadn't waiting to break up with 'ana' and get help....don't let you or someone you know make the same mistake as me. 

#WhyWait #EDAW2018 

- How to tell if someone has an Eating Disorder CLICK HERE

- Get help: Beat Adult Helpline: 0808 801 0677 Beat Youthline: 0808 801 0711

#EDAW2018 Why can't I talk about anorexia anymore?

I’m going to start #EatingDisordersAwarenessWeek talking about why I believe so many people, who have recovered from an eating disorder, after time, don’t feel they can talk about it during eating disorders awareness week once life has moved on a bit...

Let me explain where my opening post has come from then. I’ve seen a few comments already have people that feel like they are a ‘fraud’ or a ‘fake’ or ‘too fat’ or ‘eat too much’ to talk about anorexia with authority. I feel the same. 

And here is where the problem lies for me. It’s a problem because when you get people who are still willing to talk about eating disorders it is often because they still ‘look like they have one.’ I Include myself in this. Compared to a couple years ago, I feel less genuine talking about anorexia and my experiences now than I did when I was still very under weight and ‘looked’ stereotypically anorexic.

But why? Well, one reason is society still has a misconception of what someone has anorexia looks like - by that I mean anorexic generically and I've found myself conforming to this. This is part of the stigma, living up to a label. For me I looked very different before treatment, in treatment, after treatment but still underweight and now. The same as there is not ‘one size fits all’ for different people with eating disorders, there is also not ‘one size fits all’ for one person who’s had an eating disorder.

We need to get away from the idea that it’s black-and-white. You’re either ill or you’ve recovered, because that is one massive misconception that holds so many people back from taking steps into life after anorexia -and sharing the bit that comes afterwards. You know, life.  The same as it affects whether people get treatment in the first place, you know the old story “I don’t look ill enough to be anorexic." they're both ideas we need to scrap.



This is why during Eating Disorders Awareness Week we need to speak up. Those of us who aren’t the thinnest person we know, not the most restrictive eater, nor are we the most confident body lovers or the completely 'free people ' - those of us, who like me, still have what I often call an ‘anorexia hangover’. Living a life, but with habits we’re working through or learnt to live with - but don’t look skeletal and nine times out of ten are not long defined by an eating disorder. Let's not forget though, everyone is different, and my healthy body and mind is a different shape to someone else. But the people in the middle need to talk about life too. Talk about the symptoms that are still there when 'you don't look like you have anorexia.' We need to not feel like 'we are too fat to help.'

There was a time when I didn’t mind telling somebody I had anorexia or that I was in recovery - and explaining myself out of situations like that, because I still looked pretty ill. But in the last 12 to 18 months I tie myself up in knots trying to explain. Don’t feel valid enough to say I’ve got anorexia, because I don’t identify like that anymore, but also not confident enough to say I’m ‘fully recovered’ in the past tense. Anyone else feel like you're making it up? Yeah, me too. 

So I am guessing I’m not alone, I know this. So to help people move on AFTER the bones disappear, when treatment is over and when we aren’t defined solely by an eating discover anymore - can we all pledge to be more open about overcoming anorexia and battles with bulimia please? At all stages of life after treatment. 

It’s sort of like pushing for earlier intervention, for life, right? Because, after all those of us living a fuller life have more distance from living with an eating disorder, and possibly are best placed to take that bitch down. 

If you need help for an eating disorder please contact Beat @BeatED on Twitter or call the helpline on 0808 801 0677

BROADCAST BITS: Suicide, Mental Health and Men

A report for BBC Radio 4's 'The World Tonight' programme as part of a series I produced looking at male suicide and mental health.

listen to ‘Suicide, Mental Health and Men’ on Audioboo

The death of Robin Williams has once again highlighted the issues of suicide and depression. 

Here in the UK, it's already the biggest killer of men under the age of 35. Charities believe it's because males aren't able to speak up when they're struggling with issues such as debt, unemployment and mental health problems.

Despite a lack of funding for mental health services, work is now being done in Staffordshire, where the number of suicides has more than doubled in the last decade. The BBC's Sarah Robertson reports:

(Broadcast on The World Tonight on BBC Radio 4 - August 2014)

You can hear the whole 'Talking about Suicide' series on BBC Radio Stoke's AudioBoo account: HERE

Helping crack the anorexic code

Why do some people develop anorexia and others don't? Why do some people have anxiety disorders or depression alongside anorexia? Is there a certain 'type of person' more likely to suffer from anorexia? Is there a stroner genetic 'code' that makes some people predisposed to an eating disorder than we thought? 

There are so many questions, theories and studies trying to get to the bottom of it. But if you, like me, have suffered from anorexia nervosa the answer to some of these questions could be sat within YOU right now. 

The big challenge now is getting a little bit of our anorexic DNA out of us and into the National Institute for Health Research's 'BioResource' for Mental Health. They're building a library of biological, clinical, and neuroimaging information to help understand things like eating disorders. Sounds scientific doesn't it? Well, it is. But it's really simple to add your DNA to the library. I'm already in. 

Globally, AN25K wants to collect samples from 25,000 people who've suffered with anorexia. Here in the UK 'Charlottes Helix' is the campaign calling on just 1,000 of us to roll up our sleeves and donate four little viles of blood to help. (You can read more about why the Charlotte's Helix campaign is so special in a previous post.) But it's in memory of an inspiring eating disorders advocate, the late Charlotte Bevan. 

Since learning about the international collab a while ago, I'd decided that I wanted to be a part of it. Like I said, if potential answers, understanding and treatment is inside my blood, then science can have it. But my DNA can't figure it out alone. It needs as many sufferers as possible to fill up viles. 

Last week Ilona and I were in London for the Beat Awards and I couldn't think of a better occasion to make my donation to the Helix. It was even more special to be handing over my DNA with a fellow eating disorders campaigner and one of my best friends. 

I used to be terrified of needles and really not like blood, but let's be honest, in recovery we all get used to blood tests and being poked and prodded for tests. This is no different, but this time it was easy to get through because I just focused on the difference this blood donation was going to make. Because it will.

But this is where YOU come in if you've EVER had anorexia nervosa. 

So far the Helix has collected fewer than 200 DNA samples and the target is 1000, but I believe we can supersede this if we rally round to stock up the library. It's really simple to do and you don't have to be in London or make the trip. You can do it via your local GP, EDU or nurse and post it back. 

However you do it, don't let your DNA feel left out of this library. Like I said, it's YOUR DNA that could hold the answer to preventing, understanding and treating anorexia. And there's no science needed from us, phew. 

HOW TO DONATE YOUR DNA:

- Read more on the Charlotte' Helix website 

- Contact the Bio Resource Team at NIHR directly HERE 

- Follow them on Twitter @bio_resource and @HelixAN25 

This video explains what will happen How to Join the BR

HELP FUND THE HELIX CAMPAIGN: 

If you haven't suffered from anorexia, but would like to help DONATE HERE

Little ripples will cause waves of change

We need to talk about mental health, that much we already know. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess there are millions of people with stories of struggle and suffering, but also of recovery and strength hidden away inside them. 

It's these stories the world needs to hear more of so that perceptions of mental illness change, so the stigma is smashed. But how can people find the courage to speak up? Who goes first? Well, here's a thought...what if that person was you? 

I could reel off a compendium of quotes which remind me why I talk openly about my battle with anxiety and anorexia, my favourites are "You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs" and "be the change you wish to see in the world."

It's reading about other people's recovery which first inspired me to be open about mine. I knew hearing about their fight gave me hope I could do the same. Knowing I wasn't alone battling with an eating disorder was comforting. I realised that I shouldn't be ashamed about it. It helped me find my voice, it made me realise it's Time to Talk. 

Since the day I realised this, my aim has not been to cause waves with my voice alone, but to inspire other's to find theirs, to join in and create their own ripples. To speak up. Today I felt this ripple effect.

Through my own recovery blog and tweets I met a young woman in Staffordshire being treated at the same eating disorders unit as me. When we first hugged, she was frail, broken and scared. She had no voice, she was fearful of her own mind. I could see myself two years prior right there in front of me. Since then, she's fought (hard) to find that hidden voice, the courage to be herself.  Why am I telling you about her? Well, today she's the focus of a week-long 'Exploring Eating Disorders' special on Signal 1 News. 

This is the power of the ripple in action. Through me talking openly about eating disorders, it's reassured her it's okay to do the same. This is the first time Sarah Pustkowski has been this open with her mental health problems. It's still not easy to talk about mental health, that's why we need to keep fighting and talking.

It was powerful for me as a journalist to interview her and I have no doubt that in her finding her voice and sharing it on the radio to more than 300,000 listeners, her ripple will be contributing to the wave.

Sarah and I enjoying recovery together.

What I do know is that each contributing ripple makes a difference. We can't create world-changing waves alone, nope, but if everyone who shared their experience of mental illness inspired just one other person to be brave, we'd have a tsunami on our hands. 

You go first?

***
Listen to the EXPLORING EATING DISORDERS news special HERE
Get help from BEAT (the eating disorders charity) HERE

***

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: “Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”― Robert F. Kennedy

MHAW '14 The Mental Health Awareness Podcast

As part of Mental Health Awareness Week Simon Nicks from Wire FM's Breakfast Show has put together a special stigma busting 90 minutes of conversation about mental health, with advice on how to help yourself and each other.

It covers everything from dealing with panic attacks and anxiety, to how to get help for eating disorders, schizoaffective disorder and what it's like to live with  bipolar disorder.

You'll hear about #FindingMike from Johnny Benjamin, after a stranger stopped him taking his life on a London bridge, I talk about pro-anorexia and the influence of the media on anorexia as well as Nicky and Lindsey Cree from Xtra Spirit talking about how to help yourself. 

GET HELP: 

Mind (The mental health charity) 

BEAT (Eating Disorders)

MGEDT (Men Get Eating Disorders Too)

Young Minds (for Young People)

Samaritans 

The Mental Health Foundation 

Time to Change for changing mental health stigma 

Rethink

Follow everyone on Twitter too:

@Sarah_Robbo 

@Nicksy 

@MrJohnnyBenjamin

@XtraSpirit 

and @WireFM too. 

MHAW '14 | "But no one likes being sick..."

...that's very true, it's not pleasant for anyone to get a stomach bug or feel a 'little dodgy' after a night of indulgence. Although, I'm not just talking about disliking throwing up here.

Emetophobia is an extreme fear of vomit, an anxiety disorder which is thought to affect around 3.5 million people in the UK alone. That's five percent of the population, most of which are women. I am one of them. 

It's a chronic, often life-long, disorder which can hugely impact sufferer's lives. It can dictate what they can eat, who they see, whether they leave the house, travel or even have children. According to OCD-UK it's the sixth most common phobia, despite this studies have found that almost a third of GPs have never heard it and it's highly undiagnosed. 

I've suffered with emetophobia since I was seven years old. It hugely affected my childhood, terrorised my teens and still impacts on my life as an adult. 

There have been times I would have rather died than thrown up. 

Studies have shown most sufferers develop the phobia as a child often after a trauma, with nine being the average age of on-set. However, I didn't know it even had a name until my teens. So trust me when I say I felt alone with the extreme panic attacks and obsessive, intrusive thoughts the disorder caused.

A page from my teenage journal

The way it can affect sufferer's lives varies massively. Some won't leave the house if sickness bugs are going round (Norovirus is the worst!), panic if someone says they feel sick and be unable to care for ill loved ones. It stops people taking medicines with a 'nausea' side effect. Emetophobia often puts some women off having children, because of sickness during pregnancy then the thought of caring for an ill child. Trust me, some of these also come with huge amount of guilt.

The extreme measures someone with emetophobia takes to avoid vomit are closely linked with other mental health disorders, such as OCD and eating disorders. Both of which I've been diagnosed (and incorrectly diagnosed) with in the past. This is usually down to the level of control sufferers seek over everything around them to avoid vomit. 

This can range massively between individuals, but almost all will have compulsive behaviours such as hand washing and avoidance of touching surfaces, checking use-by-dates, needing to be near toilets...and so on. Most sufferers could probably reel-off the times and dates of when they were last sick and what they ate prior to it. I certainly can. 

In terms of food, it can lead to a highly restrictive diet of 'trusted' or simple foods which is where ties with eating disorders come in. For some it means eating food cooked by friends or family or in restaurants a no-go area. In my case I have rules about the colours of foods I can eat and need to see how it's prepared. I also still struggle to eat the meals I directly associate with being ill in the past and street food is strictly off-limits. You can see how this gets tied up with anorexia, right? 

It can be treated, usually with cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness work,  in similar ways someone with OCD would. I'm still working on the lingering intrusive thoughts emetophobia brings at the same time as my recovery from anorexia nervosa. 

But, we need to talk about Emetophobia more often. Doctors need to understand how it differs from other disorders and like any other anxiety disorder through challenging it, sufferers can lead normal lives. 

So, If you really think about the spiralling impact of emetophobia and how it complicates life for sufferers, you can see why it's more than just not liking throwing up. 

***

DID YOU KNOW....?

I've talked about my personal experience of Emetophobia before. See it here

I've written about it on my recovery blog HERE

Another emetophobe, Jessica shared her experiences with Time to Change HERE

You can get more Emetophobia Help and Info HERE

There's an National Emetophobia Awareness Day (March 4th) each year. 

There is an International Emetophobia Society support forum 

Anxiety UK explain it here...

There are people tweeting about Emetophobia: 

+ThriveProgramme +Emetophobia Recovery @emetophobia 

MHAW '14 | The worst cure for anxiety, ever.

I’ve said it a hundred times, and I’ll probably say it a thousand more but not everyone who suffers with anorexia spent their formative years idolising super models in Vogue, counting calories in their packed lunch or weighing themselves and their Barbie in the bathroom.

Actually, I spent my childhood an anxious mess in the bathroom worrying about messing things up and counting ways not to get ill. And here lie the seeds of my eating disorder, rooted firmly in anxiety.

A study in 2004 found two thirds of people with an eating disorder also suffer with one or more lifelong anxiety disorder. In that group, around 42 percent developed their issues with anxiety, whether that be generalised, social, a phobia or OCD, in childhood, way before their eating disorder kicked in.

My life was hit by an anxiety disorder at the age of seven.

I developed emetophobia, a fear of vomit and illness after a traumatic incident at a local theatre. Living with this specific anxiety disorder resulted in a childhood splattered with panic attacks and obsessive rules. But I learnt how to get by. It was horrible to grow up feeling different to my friends, being a worrier, not really getting excited about things, instead dread them going wrong or being ruined by illness. I would go out of my way to avoid being sick. 

My head was always full of my little coping tactics or I’d be busy searching for new ways to stop the anxiety.

I just needed a focus. I needed to take the anxiety away for good. And while I am at it, I’d like to feel good enough, I want to fix my body as well as my mind, I want to feel in control of my life. And for me, that’s where anorexia nervosa started to creep in. (I will try to keep this simple, but there are other reasons behind my eating disorder.)

For a while, it felt like I had found a simple, one-track coping mechanism.

I could control food, which kept me safe from sickness. I could focus on calories, which stopped me focusing on being sick. I could control my weight, because I couldn’t control the panic attacks. I could measure my worth in kilos, because measuring it against my friends was making me feel crap.

This miracle cure for anxiety was anorexia. Finally, I’d solved it. I was fixed. Wrong.

There is a big fault here. I was like an addict; I got more obsessed with this new found control, hooked on the way it made me feel. It became my life; I never wanted to feel anxiety again. But to keep up the hits had to get strong and for longer. I’d have to run further, eat less and see lower numbers on the scale to hit that euphoria. It seems I'm not alone, as studies into anorexia playing this role have shown. 

Another fault in this 'fix' for anxiety is that anorexia is a serious mental illness. It brings its own anxieties and obsessions along for the ride, which get tangled with the underlying anxiety it was ‘meant’ to be solving.

I didn’t develop anorexia because I'd always been obsessed with being thin. One of the biggest reasons I, and many others, end up with an eating disorder is because we became obsessed with the distraction it gives us. The distraction from the anxiety which fills our minds, it gives us the order and structure we crave. Until, that is, it winds up being even more chaotic than the problems that came before it. 

This is just one reason we need to be ANXIETY AWARE. We need to alert people to the faulty ways of taking anxieties away, before they get tangled too. 

What's your experience with existential anxiety and an eating disorder? Please share.

Helpful Links: 

Emetophobia Help 

Anxiety UK

Anxiety in Children - Guide for Parents from Young Minds 

Beat - Eating Disorders 

EDAW '14 | POEM: 'Help You See'

I wrote this poem for my Dad just after I started my recovery to try and explain how anorexia gradually tore his daughter apart. I've not shared it with anyone other than him until now, but I hope it helps others see how falling into anorexia's trap feels, from the inside for a sufferer.

Help You See 

By Sarah Robertson (October 2011)

I wish I could help you see, What's going on inside of me

I wish I could show you all, How my life began to fall

How these thoughts, That you can't see

Have always, Been inside of me

How I want to try, How I want to fight

How want to be me, And sleep at night

I wish I could show you more, Help you understand

Tell you how is feels, And let you hold my hand.

It's not your fault, You're not to blame

It was lots of things, That blew out my flame

You know I've been scared, Always panicked and afraid

These thoughts damaged me, And the foundations were laid

The pressure to be perfect, And to do my best

I’ve never felt good enough, Compared to the rest.

I should have of shut up, I could always pretend

I could be a better daughter, A better sister and friend

I've always hated myself, For always causing a scene

I just wanted to be normal, Wished for what could have been.

Terrified of food, Scared of getting ill

The same old fears, Haunt me still.

They add to the pain, And they fuel the fire

They are stopping me having, What I truly desire

I want to believe, What you say I am

I want to look in the mirror, And believe ‘I can’

You say I was perfect, And beautiful before

It wasn’t my perfect, And I wanted more.

I want to be the best, I wanted to be free

I wanted more from life, And wanted more from me.

I felt like I was failing, Not listening to the voice

That if I was able to hear, Then I had a choice

To listen to myself, That bit deep inside,

The desperate voice, That I tried to hide.

That voice has spent, Many a year

Telling me I’m useless, I tried not to hear.

Useless and fat, Set up to fail

Not pretty or talented, Too yellow, too pale.

I was tired and stressed, Too exhausted to fight,

It got to the point, I couldn’t stand the sight

The sight of my stomach, My sides and my face

I hated my body. I felt a disgrace

I thought that by listening, By following my head

That I’d be thinner, better. I’d be confident instead.

Instead of always comparing, And wanting much more,

That I’d be the better one. The one they adore.

I was sick of the guilt, The pain and the regret,

For being greedy and hungry, I wanted to forget.

Forget how I felt, And forget about the rest,

But it wasn’t enough, Because I wasn’t the best.

I should have been wary, Of the promises I made

This pain and agony, Was not a fair trade

I don’t understand, Where it went wrong

When I lost control, Or for how long.

How long ago it changed, From the voice I controlled

To this voice that consumes me. The one that's made me so cold

It was hard to accept, That I lost the reign,

I didn’t like, What I became

It took so much, To come and tell you about me

It was only the start. My step to be free

It’s not going to be easy, Or simple or quick

To fix my fears, Of control, fat and sick.

The only thing I can do now,

The only thing I can be

Is promise you I am trying,

I just wish you could see.

EDAW '14 | Welcome to Eating Disorders Awareness Week

With at least 1.6 million people living with an eating disorder in the UK alone, I believe everyone should already know about the devastating impact they can have on someone's life, but unfortunately, not everyone does.

So that's why EATING DISORDERS AWARENESS WEEK exists. 

It's a chance to talk about eating disorders, all of them - anorexia, bulimia, binge and EDNOS - share our own experiences, bust myths, speak up even more than usual. 

It's a chance to break down misconceptions of what causes an eating disorder, who they hit and why. It's a time to remind people they're serious mental illnesses with serious consequences. It's a chance to break down stigma and change the stereotypes. 

But it's also about raising awareness to the fact that you CAN recover from an eating disorder. It's about letting people know about the charities, services and help that's out there to support their recovery and helping them get on the path and letting other sufferers know they're not alone.

It's about fighting back at pro-anorexia, fighting for more specialist eating disorder services, it's about fighting for parity of esteem in care, for more education to prevent them and so much more..So welcome, I did a little vlog to say hello...

I urge you to speak up, join the conversation, use the #EDAW2014 hashtag everywhere, write to your MP about services in your town. Hold a fundraiser, do your own thing, make extra effort in your own recovery. Talk, tell your story, don't be ashamed, educate and inspire. 

A few links: 

Join BEAT's 'Sock it to Eating Disorders' Campaign

It's also NEDA's EDAW over in America

How to write to your MP about eating disorders

Can we beat the mental health time bomb?

“There will be improved access to psychological therapies for children and young people across the whole of England AND schools will be supported to identify mental health problems sooner."

Big promises huh? They're just numbers six and 17 of 25 points set out in the Government's mental health action plan, “Closing the Gap: priorities for essential change in mental health” today revealed by Nick Clegg and Norman Lamb.

I agree, it’s never been more vital that real action is taken to help young people suffering with mental health issues, quickly, but to also educate them, reduce the stigma in schools and help prevent them getting ill in the first place.

At the same time as the Deputy Prime Minister was pledging to take action on mental health across Britain, the charity Young Minds released shocking new statistics on what they call a ‘ticking time bomb’ about to explode in our schools if we don't take action. 

In the study, which coincides with the launch of their ‘YoungMindsVs’ campaign, the outlook appears to be bleak (and stressful) for those growing up in what the charity calls a ‘toxic climate’ – unless of course we all take joined-up action to change that.

We all remember the pressure of school, the exams, the bullies, the first boyfriends, your ‘first time’ and the dreaded parents’ evenings, but this is more than that. It seems young people are no longer coping with the mounting pressures piling up around them and they don't know what to do about it. 

YoungMind’s study of 2000 children and young people found that more than half “believe they will be a failure if they don’t get good grades” and around the same number have experienced bullying. 

From an eating disorders perspective, it’s extremely worrying that the poll also found “four out of ten 11-14 year olds skip meals to stay thin.” At the same time the Government identifies that “Half of those with lifetime mental health problems first experience symptoms by the age of 14; early identification and where necessary intervention can make a massive difference.” 

It's not the first time we've heard these warnings, only last week ChildLine reported a surge in the number of mental health related calls it's getting from young people battling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts.  

So professionals and politicians understand picking up on problems early reduces the risk of a life plagued by mental health problems, it also costs a hell of a lot less cash if it's caught early too. 

We know this is especially vital in eating disorders, they can be prevented and stopped in their tracks. It can mean life or death. Beat's Eating Disorders Waiting Times research echoes this. So maybe it’s time people see that skipped meal little more seriously, before that skipped meal in pursuit of thinness develops into full-blown anorexia nervosa?

But do young people feel able to ask for help?

Will they be listened to and taken seriously? 
AND where the heck do they go? 

It would seem at the moment they’re clueless. YoungMinds warn that; “a third don’t know where to turn to get help when they feel depressed or anxious.” 

This needs changing, quickly. Young people need to understand mental illnesses better, they need to understand themselves more and they need to know they’re not alone. It's vital they know where to go. 

But when they do speak up, is it is essential that the specialist services are there, the psychological therapists are ready and that young people are not kept on waiting lists, getting worse by the day. 

Under action point six in the Government’s pledge they say; “We want to do more to promote mental well being amongst children and young people, and prevent them from developing mental health problems.”

I agree, but it’s not about them WANTING to do more now, it’s an absolute necessity that funding isn't continually slashed from CAMHS budgets, that money is spent preventively, that professionals are educated and that we all take action to stop the spiral. 

With a ticking time-bomb ready to explode; we haven't got time to be cautious or worry about making a ‘fuss over nothing’ about a skipped meal or stressed out, grumpy teenager. Action needs to be taken. On all fronts – from Government, to health services and in classrooms – if we are going to avoid this bomb doing some serious damage, to everyone.

***

Find out more:

The Department for Health Closing the Gap: priorities for essential change in mental health publication.

Young Minds full information on the 'Toxic Climate' Research.

Young Minds 'YoungMindsVs' Campaign.

BEAT's Waiting Times for Eating Disorders treatment Research
ChildLine/NSPCC ''Can I Tell You Something' report

Follow this issue on Twitter; @YoungMindsUK @YoungMindsVs @BeatED @DepHealthPress @Nick_Clegg @NormanLamb @MindCharity and many more. 

WMHD 2013: 'A Letter to Laila'

I might not be able to change the whole worlds' perception of mental health, but I believe I can change the world around me and hope it helps. Just think, if we ALL changed the world around us, we could make a big impact on the world after all, couldn't we?

By speaking out about my battles, sharing, I can help change the world my 5 year-old niece grows up in, I know it. I hope her generation understand more about mental health than my parent's or mine does. I believe can make a difference to the world, her world in 2023 on World Mental Health Day in 2013. That difference is fine by me, because if I can change someone’s world, I want it to be hers. 

An open letter to my niece, a teenager of the world in 2023.

Dearest Laila,

I hope you’re reading this sat in your pants, with nothing else but a princess crown and Disney fairy shoes on, because believe me, that’s what you spent most of your time wearing in 2013, see...

Even if you’re not, I hope you’re at least wearing a smile, because you should always be able to find something to smile about. Even if you don’t believe me right now, try to remind yourself that you CAN find one, somewhere. That doesn’t mean it’s not okay to cry, because it is. It’s also okay to say you don’t feel very well or that you’re struggling. If no one else in the world listens, I always will.

You are never alone, ever. 

I don’t know if I will have told you yet, but when you were younger my world crumbled around me because I ignored how I felt and tried to keep it all bottled up. I didn’t look after my mental health or speak about it. I don’t want you to ever say you’re fine if you’re not. If I hadn’t have used my voice, if I’d carried on trying to convince Nanny, Grandad or your Mummy that I was okay, I might not be here now.

Actually, my biggest wish would be that you’re going to read this and tell me it’s all really obvious stuff that you already know. Let’s hope so and I hope you also tell Freya all this too, but here goes...

Firstly, you don’t need to try to be perfect. You are as perfect as it gets. Trust me, I spent too long looking for perfection, just try and accept that it's a myth. A fairytale. 

I thought that dieting and exercising would make me happier, more liked, admired, perfect. But it didn’t. That belief could have killed me. Anorexia could have meant I didn’t get to take you to ballet, your first gymnastics lesson or wave you off on your first day at school. But because I told someone how I felt, I was able to. Like I said, someone will ALWAYS listen. I hope the world understands mental health a little more now and will be able to help you, if you do feel you need it.

I wonder if gossip magazines are still telling you about diets and celebrity bodies, week in week out? Well, what I’ve learnt in the last couple of years about food (and alcohol) is that everything is good for you, in balance. Never deny yourself a chocolate bar if you fancy one, but you shouldn’t really eat a multipack. In the same way, you can’t live off spinach and rice cakes. You need a little bit of everything, no food is ‘good or naughty’ and one carrot or a single apple will EVER get you through a day. Crash dieting is really rubbish and I bet you’ll always look gorgeous in a bikini without dieting anyway (especially if you get blessed with your Mum's boobs!) 

Don't compare yourself too much to other girls, it will eat you up inside and anyway, you are all so different and beautiful in your own unique way. 

Balance goes for exercise too. If you haven’t already, try yoga or Pilates or even better, if you’re still a gymnast or ballerina, then why not run away with the Circus? I’m writing this letter to you while listening to Cirque Du Soleil, maybe it’s a sign? Try trapeze or silks – you always were brave! Unless they’ve made a super-fun gym, always remember treadmills are SO ridiculously boring, get outside and breathe and ENJOY exercise. It should never be punishment.

Anyway, I’m not going to tell you to always love your body, because sometimes you won’t, and that is okay. Some days you will wake up and being having a ‘fat day’ and throw hundreds of dresses around your bedroom, before you find one you want to wear out to the cinema with your friends. Sometimes your hair will be a complete mess and you’ll wish it was straighter or curlier and one day you will wake up with a huge spot before a date with a guy from school. (TIPS; Always wear matching underwear, buy GHDs and use Dior concealer and BB Cream.) 

This is all okay and it’s about accepting YOU, maybe not always LOVING, but just accepting.

Don’t get too stressed out about exams. You will find a way to carve the life you want whatever happens, it’s not worth making yourself sick over. But please, turn off the TV for a little bit and do your homework, it does help prepare you! Listen to your teachers, they’re wiser than you give them credit for.

There are going to be bullies at school, there always has been and I am pretty sure some people will still be nasty. But don’t listen to them. Their actions say more about THEM than they do about you. Also, don’t tease others either, you never know how they might be feeling on the inside. I hope you’re living in a world where you all TALK to each other about your problems and feel empowered to say how you really feel. Don’t pretend you’re something you’re not because what you are is YOU and you should be proud of that, no matter what. Don't forget to ask your little sister and brother if they're okay too. 

Always treat people with respect, if they’re straight, gay, black, Asian, Jewish or Muslim, they are all amazing. Take time to speak to them about their cultures or beliefs. Listening to other people's stories can be fascinating and we are always learning. I spent way too long not listening or understanding other people and when I started to, the world was so much brighter. Travel, see the world, meet new people, see as many cities as you can. I missed out on lots because I was too scared.

Be brave, fly.

Finally, I hope you’re getting taught about mental health at school? How to look after your mind, cope with stress, anxiety and feeling down? If not, please can you talk about it? 

That’s what I hope I’m helping carve out in 2013 for you. Creating a world where people with mental health problems can be open about it and where other people understand that they are just human. Trust me, they are really confusing illnesses, and no one really knows why or how they develop yet. If we’re still trying to figure it out now you are fifteen, then promise me this little Bear; Even if you don’t understand why you’re best friend is self-harming or why a girl in your class makes herself sick, then just try and listen to them and support them the best you can. They will be so thankful you took time to ask if they’re okay. It could even save them. 

If for some reason you are ever that girl, then just remember what I said at the start of this letter. You are NOT alone. I swear, you never will be, talk about it. You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t need to be like everyone else. You’re as worthy, wonderful and wise as anyone else in the world, simply because you are you. I promise.

Finally, Thank you so much for just being you, even if 10 years ago you didn’t realise it, seeing you run around in your pants, begging me to bake cakes with you or asking to come to my house for a ‘picnic’ after ballet, reminded me what I was living for, it helped me to keep fighting anorexia.

It also reminded me I need to fight to make YOUR world different. A better place.

I love you, always.

Aunty Sarah xx

***
Now, if you do the same, and tell a little one you love about mental health and being brave, think of the difference we could make for the future....

Where to get help in 2013 if you or someone you know needs support;

BULLYING Beat Bullying
ABUSE and CHILDLINE NSPCC
EATING DISORDERS Beat 
SELF HARM Childline advice on SH 
MENTAL HEALTH - Mind / Young Minds
CRISIS CARE Samaritans